I 


I^O 


RNIA 


UNIV.  OF 


WELL.    AND    WHEN    DID    YEZ    ORDER    IT    TURNED    ON?" 

—  Frontispiece, 


The  VAN 
DWELLERS 

Jt  STRENUOUS  QUEST 
FOR     A     HOME 

ALBERT     BICELOW     PAINE 
of   "THi:    DREAD    LINE" 


"  We  were  strangers  and  they  took  us  In  " 

N    E    W       Y    O    K    n 
J.  F.  TAYLOR  &  COMPANY 

1    9    O    1 


COPYRIGHT,  H»0l 

BV 
J.  F.  TAYLOR   &   COMPANY 


TO  THOSE 

WHO  HAVE  LIVED  IN  FLATS 

TO  THOSE 

WHO  ARE  LIVING  IN  FLATS 

AND  TO  THOSE 

WHO  ARE  THINKING  OF 
LIVING  IN  FLATS 


2132470 


Contents. 


i. 

PAGE 

The  First  Home  in  the  Metropolis i 

II. 
Metropolitan  Beginnings 13 

III. 
Learning  by  Experience 28 

IV. 
Our  First  Move 45 

V. 
A  Boarding  House  for  a  Change 60 

VI. 

Pursuing  the  Ideal 72 

VII. 

Owed  to  the  Moving  Man 86 

VIII. 
Household  Retainers 88 

IX. 
Ann . .  


iv  Contents. 

x. 

PAGE 

A  "  Flat"  Failure 114 

XI. 
Inheritance  and  Mania 133 

XII. 

Gilded  Affluence 153 

XIII. 
A  Home  at  Last 177 

XIV. 
Closing  Remarks 183 


THE   FAN 

DWELLERS 

i. 

The  First  Home  in  the 
Metropolis. 

WE   had  never  lived  in  New 
York.      This  fact  will   de 
velop  anyway,   as  I  proceed, 
but    somehow    it    seems    fairer  to 
everybody  to  state  it  in  the  first 
sentence  and  have  it  over  with. 

Still,  we  had  heard  of  flats  in  a 
vague  way,  and  as  we  drew  near 
the  Metropolis  the  Little  Woman 
bought  papers  of  the  train  boy 
and  began  to  read  advertisements 
under  the  head  of  "  Flats  and  Apart 
ments  to  Let." 


The  Van  Dwellers. 


I  remember  that  we  wondered 
then  what  was  the  difference.  Now, 
having  tried  both,  we  are  wiser. 
The  difference  ranges  from  three 
hundred  dollars  a  year  up.  There 
are  also  minor  details,  such  as  palms 
in  the  vestibule,  exposed  plumbing, 
and  uniformed  hall  service — per 
haps  an  elevator,  but  these  things 
are  immaterial.  The  price  is  the 
difference. 

We  bought  papers,  as  I  have  said. 
It  was  the  beginning  of  our  down 
fall,  and  the  first  step  was  easy — 
even  alluring.  We  compared  prices 
and  descriptions  and  put  down  ad 
dresses.  The  descriptions  were  all 
that  could  be  desired  and  the  prices 
absurdly  modest.  We  had  heard 
that  living  in  the  city  was  ex 
pensive  ;  now  we  put  down  the  street 
and  number  of "  four  large  light 
rooms  and  improvements,  $18.00," 
and  were  properly  indignant  at 


The  First  Home. 


those  who  had  libeled  the  landlords 
of  Gothain. 

Next  morning  we  stumbled  up 
four  dim  flights  of  stairs,  groped 
through  a  black  passage-way  and 
sidled  out  into  a  succession  of 
gloomy  closets,  wondering  what 
they  were  for.  Our  conductor 
stopped  and  turned. 

"  This  is  it,"  he  announced. 
"  All  nice  light  rooms,  and  im 
provements." 

It  was  our  first  meeting  with 
a  flat.  Also,  with  a  janitor.  The 
Little  Woman  was  first  to  speak. 

"  Ah,  yes,  would  you  mind  tell 
ing  us — we're  from  the  West,  you 
know — just  which  are  the — the 
improvements,  and  which  the 
rooms  ?  " 

This  was  lost  on  the  janitor.  He 
merely  thought  us  stupid  and  re 
garded  us  with  pitying  disgust  as 
he  indicated  a  rusty  little  range, 


The  Van  Dwellers. 


and  disheartening  water  arrange 
ments  in  one  corner.  There  may 
have  been  stationary  tubs,  too, 
bells,  and  a  dumb  waiter,  but  with 
out  the  knowledge  of  these  things 
which  we  acquired  later  they  es 
caped  notice.  What  we  could  see 
was  that  there  was  no  provision  for 
heat  that  we  could  discover,  and  no 
sunshine. 

We  referred  to  these  things,  also 
to  the  fact  that  the  only  entrance 
to  our  parlor  would  be  through 
the  kitchen,  while  the  only  en 
trance  to  our  kitchen  would  be  al 
most  certainly  over  either  a  coal- 
box,  an  ironing  board,  or  the  rusty 
little  stove,  any  method  of  which 
would  require  a  certain  skill,  as 
well  as  care  in  the  matter  of  one's 
clothes. 

But  these  objections  seemed  un 
reasonable,  no  doubt,  for  the  janitor, 
who  was  of  Yorkshire  extraction,  be- 


The  First  Home. 


came  taciturn  and  remarked  briefly 
that  the  halls  were  warmed  and 
that  nobody  before  had  ever 
required  more  heat  than  they  got 
from  these  and  the  range,  while 
as  for  the  sun,  he  couldn't  change 
that  if  he  wanted  to,  leaving  us  to 
infer  that  if  he  only  wanted  to  he 
could  remodel  almost  everything 
else  about  the  premises  in  short 
order. 

We  went  away  in  the  belief  that 
he  was  a  base  pretender,  "  clad  in  a 
little  brief  authority."  We  had  not 
awakened  as  yet  to  the  fulness  of 
janitorial  tyranny  and  power. 

We  went  farther  uptown.  We 
reasoned  that  rentals  would  be 
more  reasonable  and  apartments 
less  contracted  up  there. 

Ah,  me !  As  I  close  my  eyes 
now  and  recall,  as  in  a  kaleido 
scope,  the  perfect  wilderness  of  flats 
we  have  passed  through  since  then, 


The  Van  Dwellers. 


it  seems  strange  that  some  dim  fore 
boding  of  it  all  did  not  steal  in  to 
rob  our  hearts  of  the  careless  joys 
of  anticipation. 

But  I  digress.  We  took  the  ele 
vated  and  looked  out  the  windows 
as  we  sped  along.  The  whirling 
streets,  with  their  endless  proces 
sion  of  front  steps,  bewildered  us. 

By  and  by  we  were  in  a  vast 
district,  where  all  the  houses  were 
five-storied,  flat-roofed,  and  seemed 
built  mainty  to  hold  windows. 
This  was  Flatland — the  very  heart 
of  it — that  boundless  territory  to 
the  northward  of  Central  Park, 
where  nightly  the  millions  sleep. 

Here  and  there  were  large  signs 
on  side  walls  and  on  boards  along 
the  roof,  with  which  we  were  now 
on  a  level  as  the  train  whirled  us 
along.  These  quoted  the  number 
of  rooms,  and  prices,  and  some  of 
them  were  almost  irresistible.  "  6 


The  First  Home.  7 

All  Light  Rooms,  $22.00,"  caught 
us  at  length,  and  we  got  off  to 
investigate. 

They  were  better  than  those 
downtown.  There  was  a  possiblity 
of  heat  and  you  did  not  get  to  the 
parlor  by  climbing  over  the  kitchen 
furniture.  Still,  the  apartment  as 
a  whole  lacked  much  that  we  had 
set  our  hearts  on,  while  it  contained 
some  things  that  we  were  willing 
to  do  without. 

It  contained,  also,  certain  novel 
ties.  Among  these  were  the  sta 
tionary  washtubs  in  the  kitchen  ; 
the  dumb-waiter,  and  a  speaking- 
tube  connection  with  the  basement. 

The  janitor  at  this  place  was  a 
somber  Teutonic  female,  soiled  as 
to  dress,  and  of  the  common  Dutch- 
slipper  variety. 

We  were  really  attracted  by  the 
next  apartment,  where  we  dis 
covered  for  the  first  time  the  small 


8  The  Van  Dwellers. 

button  in  the  wall  that,  when 
pressed,  opens  the  street  door  be 
low.  This  was  quite  jolly,  and  we 
played  with  it  some  minutes,  while 
the  colored  janitor  grinned  at  our 
artlessness,  and  said  good  things 
about  the  place.  Our  hearts  went 
out  to  this  person,  and  we  would 
gladly  have  cast  our  lot  with 
him. 

Then  he  told  us  the  price,  and 
we  passed  on. 

I  have  a  confused  recollection 
of  the  other  flats  and  apartments 
we  examined  on  that  first  day  of 
our  career,  or  "  progress,"  as  the 
recent  Mr.  Hogarth  would  put  it. 
Our  minds  had  not  then  become 
trained  to  that  perfection  of  mental 
ity  which  enables  the  skilled  flat- 
hunter  to  carry  for  days  visual 
ground-plans,  elevations,  and  im 
provements,  of  any  number  of"  de 
sirable  apartments,"  and  be  ready  to 


The  First  Home. 


transcribe  the  same  in  black  and 
white  at  a  moment's  notice. 

I  recall  one  tunnel  and  one 
'  roof  garden.  Also  one  first  floor 
with  bake-shop  attachment.  The 
latter  suggested  a  business  en 
terprise  for  the  Little  Woman,while 
the  Precious  Ones,  who  were  with 
us  at  this  stage,  seemed  delighted 
at  my  proposition  of  "  keeping 
store." 

Many  places  we  did  not  exam 
ine.  Of  these  the  janitors  merely 
popped  out  their  heads — frowsy 
heads,  most  of  them — and  gave 
the  number  of  rooms  and  the  price 
in  a  breath  of  defiance  and  mixed 
ale.  At  length  I  was  the  only  one 
able  to  continue  the  search. 

I  left  the  others  at  a  friendly 
drug  store,  and  wandered  off  alone. 
Being  quite  untrammeled  now  I 
went  as  if  by  instinct  two  blocks 
west  and  turned.  A  park  was 


io         The  Van  Dwellers. 

there — a  park  set  up  on  edge,  as 
it  were,  with  steps  leading  to  a 
battlement  at  the  top.  This  was 
attractive,  and  I  followed  along 
opposite,  looking  at  the  houses. 

Presently  I  came  to  a  new  one. 
They  were  just  finishing  it,  and 
sweeping  the  shavings  from  the 
ground-floor  flat — a  gaudy  little 
place — the  only  one  in  the  house 
untaken. 

It  was  not  very  light,  and  it 
was  not  very  large,  while  the  price 
was  more  than  we  had  expected 
to  pay.  But  it  was  clean  and  new, 
and  the  landlord,  who  was  him 
self  on  the  premises,  offered  a 
month's  rent  free  to  the  first  tenant. 

I  ran  all  the  way  back  to  the 
Little  Woman,  and  urged  her  to 
limp  as  hastily  as  possible,  fearing 
it  might  be  gone  before  she  could 
get  there.  When  I  realized  that 
the  landlord  had  held  it  for  me  in 


The  First  Home.  '         1 1 

the  face  of  several  applicants  (this 
was  his  own  statement),  I  was 
ready  to  fall  on  his  neck,  and  paid 
a  deposit  hastily  to  secure  the 
premises. 

Then  we  wandered  about  look 
ing  at  things,  trying  the  dumb 
waiter,  the  speaking  tube,  and  the 
push-button,  leading  to  what  the 
Precious  Ones  promptly  named 
the  "  locker-locker  "  door,  owing 
to  a  clicking  sound  in  the  lock 
when  the  door  sprang  open. 

We  were  in  a  generous  frame 
of  mind,  and  walked  from  room  to 
room  praising  the  excellence  of 
everything,  including  a  little  gin 
gerbread  mantel  in  the  dining-room, 
in  which  the  fireplace  had  been 
set  crooked, — from  being  done  in 
the  dark,  perhaps, — the  concrete 
backyard,  with  its  clothesline  pole, 
the  decorated  ceilings,  the  precip 
itous  park  opposite  that  was  pres- 


12         The   Van  Dwellers. 

ently  to  shut  off  each  day  at  two 
P.M.  our  western,  and  only,  sun 
light  ;  even  the  air-shaft  that  came 
down  to  us  like  a  well  from  above, 
and  the  tiny  kitchen,  which  in  the 
gathering  evening  was  too  dark  to 
reveal  all  its  attractions. 

As  for  the  Precious  Ones,  they 
fairly  raced  through  our  new  pos 
session,  shrieking  their  delight. 

We  had  a  home  in  the  great 
city  at  last. 


Metropolitan   Beginnings.      13 


II. 

Metropolitan  Beginnings. 

WE  set  out  gaily  and  early, 
next  morning,  to  buy  our 
things. 

We  had  brought  nothing  with 
us  that  could  not  be  packed  into 
our  trunks,  except  my  fishing  rod, 
some  inherited  bedding  and  pic 
tures  which  the  Little  Woman  de 
clined  to  part  with,  and  two  jaded 
and  overworked  dolls  belonging  to 
the  Precious  Ones.  Manifestly  this 
was  not  enough  to  begin  housekeep 
ing  on,  even  in  a  flat  of  contracted 
floor-space  and  limitless  improve 
ments. 

In  fact  the  dolls  only  had  arrived. 


14         The   Van  Dwellers. 

They  had  come  as  passengers. 
The  other  things  were  still  trun 
dling  along  somewhere  between 
Oshkosh  and  Hoboken,  by  slow 
freight. 

We  had  some  idea  of  where  we 
wanted  to  go  when  we  set  forth, 
but  a  storehouse  with  varied  and 
almost  irresistible  windows  enticed 
us  and  we  went  no  farther.  It  was 
a  mighty  department  store  and  we 
were  informed  that  we  need  not 
pass  its  doors  again  until  we  had 
selected  everything  we  needed  from 
a  can-opener  to  a  grand  piano.  We 
didn't,  and  the  can-opener  became 
ours. 

Also  other  articles.  We  enjoyed 
buying  things,  and  even  to  this 
day  I  recall  with  pleasure  our  first 
great  revel  in  a  department  store. 

For  the  most  part  we  united  our 
judgments  and  acted  jointly.  But 
at  times  we  were  enticed  apart  by 


Metropolitan  Beginnings.     15 

fascinating  novelties  and  selected 
recklessly,  without  consultation. 

As  for  the  Precious  Ones,  they 
galloped  about,  demanding  that  we 
should  buy  everything  in  sight, 
with  a  total  disregard  of  our  require 
ments  or  resources. 

It  was  wonderful  though  how 
cheap  everything  seemed,  and  how 
much  we  seemed  to  need,  even  for  a 
beginning.  It  was  also  wonderful 
how  those  insidious  figures  told  in 
the  final  settlement. 

Let  it  be  understood,  I  cherish  no 
resentment  toward  the  salesmen. 
Reflecting  now  on  the  matter,  I  am, 
on  the  whole,  grateful.  They 
found  out  where  we  were  from,  and 
where  we  were  going  to  live,  and 
they  sold  us  accordingly. 

I  think  we  interested  them,  and 
that  they  rather  liked  us.  If  not, 
I  am  sure  they  would  have  sold  us 
worse  things  and  more  of  them. 


1 6         The   Van  Dwellers. 

They  could  have  done  so,  easily. 
Hence  my  gratitude  to  the  sales 
men  ;  but  the  man  at  the  transfer 
desk  remains  unforgiven. 

I  am  satisfied,  now,  that  he  was 
an  unscrupulous  person,  a  per 
jured,  case-hardened  creature  whom 
it  is  every  man's  duty  to  destroy. 
But  at  the  time  he  seemed  the 
very  embodiment  of  good  inten 
tions. 

He  assured  us  heartily,  as  he 
gave  us  our  change,  that  we  should 
have  immediate  delivery.  We  had 
explained  at  some  length  that  this 
was  important,  and  why.  He  waved 
us  off  with  the  assurance  that  we 
need  give  ourselves  no  uneasiness 
in  the  matter — that,  in  all  proba 
bility,  the  matting  we  had  pur 
chased  as  a  floor  basis  would  be 
there  before  we  were. 

He  knew  that  this  would  start 
us  post-haste  for  our  apartment, 


Metropolitan  Beginnings.     17 

which  it  did.  We  even  ran,  waving 
and  shouting,  after  a  particular  car 
when  another  just  like  it  was  less 
than  a  half  block  behind. 

We  breathed  more  easily  when 
we  arrived  at  our  new  address  and 
found  that  we  were  in  good  season. 
When  five  minutes  more  had 
passed,  however,  and  still  no  signs 
of  our  matting,  a  vague  uneasiness 
began  to  manifest  itself. 

It  was  early  and  there  was  plenty 
of  time,  of  course ;  but  there  was 
something  about  the  countless  de 
livery  wagons  that  passed  and  re- 
passed  without  stopping  which  im 
pressed  us  with  the  littleness  of  our 
importance  in  this  great  whirl  of 
traffic,  and  the  ease  with  which 
a  transfer  clerk's  promise,  easily 
and  cheerfully  made,  might  be 
as  easily  and  as  cheerfully  for 
gotten. 

I  said  presently  that  I  would  go 


1 8         The   Van  Dwellers. 

around  the  corner  and  order  coal 
for  the  range,  ice  for  the  refrig 
erator,  and  groceries  for  us  all. 
I  added  that  the  things  from  down 
town  would  surely  be  there  on  my 
return,  and  that  any  way  I  wanted 
to  learn  where  the  nearest  markets 
were.  Had  I  known  it,  I  need  not 
have  taken  this  trouble.  Our 
names  in  the  mail-box  just  outside 
the  door  would  have  summoned  the 
numerous  emissaries  of  trade,  as 
by  magic. 

It  did  so,  in  fact,  for  the  Little 
Woman  put  the  name  in  while  I 
was  gone,  and  on  my  return  I 
found  her  besieged  by  no  less  than 
three  butchers  and  grocery  men, 
while  two  rival  milkmen  were  ex 
plaining  with  diagrams  the  com 
parative  richness  of  their  respective 
cans  and  bottles.  The  articles  I 
had  but  just  purchased  were  even 
then  being  sent  up  on  the  dumb 


Metropolitan  Beginnings.     19 

waiter,  but  our  furnishings  from 
below  were  still  unheard  from. 

A  horrible  fear  that  I  had  given 
the  wrong  address  began  to  grow 
upon  us.  The  Little  Woman  was 
calm,  but  regarded  me  accusingly. 
She  said  she  didn't  see  how  it 
could  have  happened,  when  in 
every  accent  of  her  voice  I  could 
detect  memories  of  other  things  I 
had  done  in  this  line — things 
which,  at  the  time,  had  seemed 
equally  impossible. 

She  said  she  hadn't  been  paying 
attention  when  I  gave  the  number 
or  she  would  have  known.  Of 
course,  she  said,  the  transfer  clerk 
couldn't  make  a  mistake  putting  it 
down — he  was  too  accustomed  to 
such  things,  and  of  course  I  must 
have  given  it  to  him  correctly — 
only,  it  did  seem  strange 

We  began  debating  feverishly  as 
to  the  advisability  of  my  setting 


2O         The  Van  Dwellers. 

out  at  once  on  a  trip  down  town  to 
see  about  it.  We  concluded  to 
telephone. 

I  hastened  around  to  the  drug 
store  not  far  away  and  "  helloed  " 
and  repeated  and  fumed  and  swore 
in  agony  for  half  an  hour,  but  I 
came  back  in  high  spirits.  The 
address  was  correct  and  the  deliv 
ery  wagons  were  out.  I  expected 
to  find  them  at  the  door  when  I  got 
back,  but  found  only  the  Little 
Woman,  sitting  on  the  doorstep, 
still  waiting. 

We  told  each  other  that  after  all 
it  must  necessarily  take  some  little 
time  to  get  up  this  far,  but  that  the 
matting  would  certainly  be  along 
presently,  now,  and  that  it  would 
take  but  a  short  time  to  lay  it. 
Then  we  would  have  a  good  start, 
and  even  if  everything  didn't  come 
to-night  it  would  be  jolly  to  put 
the  new  mattresses  down  on  the 


Metropolitan  Beginnings.     21 

nice  clean  matting,  and  to  get  din 
ner  the  best  way  we  could — like 
camping  out.  Then  we  walked 
back  and  forth  in  the  semi-light  of 
our  empty  little  place  and  said  how 
nice  it  was,  and  where  we  should 
set  the  furniture  and  hang  the 
pictures  :  and  stepped  off  the  size 
of  the  rooms  that  all  put  together 
were  not  so  big  as  had  been  our  one 
big  sitting-room  in  the  West. 

As  for  the  Precious  Ones,  they 
were  wildly  happy.  They  had 
never  had  a  real  playhouse  before, 
big  enough  to  live  in,  and  this  was 
quite  in  accordance  with  their 
ideals.  They  were  "  visiting"  and 
"  keeping  store  "  and  "  cooking," 
and  quarreling,  and  having  a  per 
fectly  beautiful  time  with  their  two 
disreputable  dolls,  utterly  regard 
less  of  the  shadow  of  foreboding 
and  desolation  that  grew  ever 
thicker  as  the  hours  passed,  while 


22         The  Van  Dwellers. 

the  sun  slipped  down  behind  the 
steep  stone-battlemented  park  op 
posite,  and  brought  no  matting,  no 
furniture,  no  anything  that  would 
make  our  little  nest  habitable  for 
the  swiftly  coming  night. 

But  when  it  became  too  dark  for 
them  to  see  to  play,  they  came 
clamorously  out  to  where  we  stood 
on  the  doorstep,  still  waiting,  and 
demanded  in  one  breath  that  we 
tell  them  immediately  when  the 
things  were  coming,  where  they 
were  to  get  supper,  how  we  were  to 
sleep,  and  if  they  couldn't  have  a 
light. 

I  was  glad  that  I  could  give  them 
something.  I  said  that  it  was  pretty 
early  for  a  light,  but  that  they 
should  have  it.  I  went  in  and 
opened  a  gas  burner,  and  held  a 
match  to  it.  There  was  no  result. 
I  said  there  was  air  in  the  pipes. 
I  lit  another  match,  and  held  it  till 


Metropolitan  Beginnings.     23 

it  burned  my  fingers.  There  was 
air  in  the  pipes,  I  suppose,  but 
there  was  no  gas.  I  hurried  down 
to  inform  the  janitor. 

She  was  a  stern-featured  Hi 
bernian,  with  a  superior  bearing. 
I  learned  later  that  she  had  seen 
better  days.  In  fact,  I  have  yet  to 
find  the  janitor  that  hasn't  seen 
better  days,  or  the  tenant,  either, 
for  that  matter,  but  this  is  another 
digression.  She  regarded  me  with 
indifference  when  I  told  her  there 
was  no  gas.  When  I  told  her  that 
we  wanted  gas,  she  inspected  me 
as  if  this  was  something  unusual 
and  interesting  in  a  tenant's  re 
quirements.  Finally  she  said  : — 

"  Well,  and  when  did  yez  order 
it  turned  on  ?  " 

"  Why,"  I  said,  "  I  haven't 
ordered  it  at  all.  I  thought— 

"  Yez  thought  you  could  get  it 
of  me,  did  yez  ?  " 


24         The  Van  Dwellers. 

I  admitted  that  this  seemed 
reasonable,  but  in  view  of  the  fact 
of  the  water  being  turned  on,  I  had 
really  given  the  matter  of  gas  no 
definite  consideration. 

I  think  she  rather  pitied  my 
stupendous  ignorance.  At  least 
she  became  more  gentle  than  she 
had  seemed  at  the  start,  or  than 
she  ever  was  afterwards. 

She  explained  at  some  length 
that  I  must  go  first  to  the  gas  office, 
leave  a  deposit  to  secure  them,  in 
case  of  my  sudden  and  absent- 
minded  departure  from  the  neigh 
borhood,  and  ask  that  a  man  be 
sent  around  to  put  in  a  meter,  and 
turn  on  the  gas  in  our  apartment. 
With  good  luck  some  result  might 
be  obtained  by  the  following  eve 
ning. 

I  stumbled  miserably  up  the 
dark  stairs,  and  dismally  explained, 
while  the  Precious  Ones  became 


Metropolitan  Beginnings.     25 

more  clamorous  for  food  and  light, 
as  the  shades  of  night  gathered. 
I  said  I  would  go  and  get  some 
candles,  so  in  case  the  things  came 
—not  necessarily  the  matting — we 
didn't  really  need  the  matting  first, 
anyway — it  would  get  scuffed  and 
injured  if  it  were  put  down  first — 
it  was  the  other  things  we  need 
ed — things  to  eat  and  go  to  bed 
with  !— 

When  I  came  back  there  was 
a  wild  excitement  around  our  en 
trance.  A  delivery  wagon  had 
driven  up  in  great  haste,  and  by  the 
light  of  the  street  lamp  I  recognized 
on  it  the  sign  of  our  department 
store.  A  hunted-looking  driver 
had  leaped  out  and  was  hastily 
running  over  his  book.  Yes,  it 
was  our  name — our  things  had 
come  at  last — better  late  than 
never !  The  driver  was  diving 
back  into  his  wagon  and  presently 


26         The  Van  Dwellers. 

hauled    out    something   long   and 
round  and  wrapped  up. 

"  Here  you  are,"  he  said  trium 
phantly.  "  Sign  for  it,  please." 

"  But,"  we  gasped,  "  where's 
the  rest  of  the  things  ?  There's 
ever  so  much  more." 

"  Don't  know,  lady.  This  is  all 
I've  got.  Sign,  please,  it's  getting 
late." 

"  But " 

He  was  gone.  We  carried  in 
our  solitary  package  and  opened  it 
by  the  feeble  flickering  of  a  par- 
affine  dip. 

It  was  a  Japanese  umbrella- 
holder  ! 

The  Precious  Ones  and  their 
wretched  dolls  held  a  war  dance 
around  it  and  admired  the  funny 
men  on  the  sides.  To  us  it  was  an 
Oriental  mockery. 

Sadly  we  gathered  up  our  bags, 
and  each  taking  by  the  hand  a 


Metropolitan  Beginnings.     27 

hungry  little  creature  who  clasped 
a  forlorn  doll  to  aweary  little  bosom, 
we  set  forth  to  seek  food  and 
shelter  in  the  thronging  but  pitiless 
city. 


28         The  Van  Dwellers. 


m. 

Learning  by  Experience. 

DAY  by  day,  and  piece  by  piece, 
our  purchases  appeared.  Now 
and    then    a    delivery  wagon 
would  drive  up  in   hot  haste  and 
deliver  a  stew-pan,   or    perhaps  a 
mouse  trap.     At  last,  and  on  the 
third  day,  a  mattress. 

Of  course,  I  had  been  down  and 
protested,  ere  this.  The  cheerful 
liar  at  the  transfer  desk  had  been 
grieved,  astonished,  thunderstruck 
at  my  tale.  He  would  investigate, 
and  somebody  would  be  discharged, 
at  once.  This  thought  soothed  me. 
It  was  blood  that  I  wanted.  Just 
plain  blood,  and  plenty  of  it.  I 


Learning  by  Experience.    29 

know  now  that  it  was  the  transfer- 
man's  blood  that  I  needed,  but  for 
the  moment  I  was  appeased  and 
believed  in  him. 

Our  matting,  promised  within 
two  hours  from  the  moment  of  pur 
chase,  was  the  last  thing  to  arrive. 
This  on  the  fourth  day — or  was  it 
the  fifth  ?  I  was  too  mad  by  this 
time  to  remember  dates.  What  I 
do  recall  is  that  we  laid  it  ourselves. 
We  had  not,  as  yet,  paid  for  the 
laying,  and  we  said  that  rather  than 
give  that  shameless  firm  another 
dollar  we  would  lay  that  matting  if 
it  killed  us. 

Morally  it  did.  I  have  never 
been  quite  the  same  man  since  that 
terrible  experience.  The  Little 
Woman  helped  stretch,  and  held 
the  lamp,  while  I  pounded  my 
thumb  and  swore.  She  said  she 
had  never  realized  until  that  night 
how  well  and  satisfactorily  I  could 


30         The   Van  Jewellers. 

swear.     It  seemed  to  comfort  her 
and  she  abetted  it. 

I  know  now  that  the  stripes  on 
matting  never  match.  We  didn't 
know  it  then,  and  we  tried  to  make 
them.  We  pulled  and  hauled,  and 
I  got  down  on  my  stomach,  with 
one  ear  against  the  wall,  and 
burned  the  other  one  on  the  lamp 
chimney  which  the  Little  Woman, 
in  her  anxiety  to  help,  held  too 
close.  When  I  criticised  her  in 
clination  to  overdo  matters,  she 
observed  that  I  would  probably  be 
able  to  pull  the  matting  along 
more  easily  if  I  wouldn't  lie  down 
on  the  piece  I  was  trying  to  pull. 
Then  we  both  said  some  things 
that  I  suppose  we  shall  regret  to 
our  dying  day.  It  was  a  terrible 
night.  When  morning  came,  grim 
and  ghastly,  life  seemed  a  failure, 
and  I  could  feel  that  I  had  grown 
old. 


Learning  by  Experience.    3 1 

But  with  breakfast  and  coffee 
and  sunshine  came  renewed  hope. 

We  were  settled  at  last,  and  our 
little  place  looked  clean  and  more 
like  a  playhouse  than  ever. 

Our  acquaintance  with  the  janitor 
was  not,  as  yet,  definite.  I  had 
met  her  once  or  twice  informally, 
it  is  true,  but  as  yet  we  could  not 
be  said  to  have  reached  any  basis 
of  understanding.  As  to  her  ap 
pearance,  she  was  brawny  and  Irish, 
with  a  forbidding  countenance. 
She  had  a  husband  whom  we 
never  saw — he  being  employed 
outside — but  whose  personality, 
nevertheless,  became  a  factor  in  our 
subsequent  relations. 

Somehow,  we  instinctively  avoided 
the  people  below  stairs,  as  cats  do 
canines,  though  we  had  no  tradi 
tions  concerning  janitors,  and  we 
are  naturally  the  most  friendly  and 
democratic  people  in  the  world. 


32         The   Van  Dwellers. 

Matters  went  on  very  well  for  a 
time.  We  congratulated  ourselves 
every  morning  on  how  nice  and 
handy  everything  was,  now  that 
we  were  once  settled,  and  laughed 
over  our  recent  difficulties.  The 
Precious  Ones  were  in  their  glory. 
They  had  appropriated  the  little 
four-by-six  closet  back  of  the 
kitchen — it  had  been  shown  to  us 
as  a  servant's  room — and  presently 
we  heard  them  playing  "  dumb 
waiter,"  "  janitor,"  "  locker-locker 
door,"  "  laying  matting,"  and  other 
new  and  entertaining  games  in 
cidental  to  a  new  life  and  condi 
tions.  The  weather  remained  warm 
for  a  time,  and  it  was  all  novel  and 
interesting.  We  added  almost 
daily  to  our  household  effects,  and 
agreed  that  we  had  been  lucky  in 
securing  so  pleasant  and  so  snug 
a  nest. 

But  one  morning  when  we  awoke 


Learning  by   Experience.    33 

it  was  cold.  It  was  early  October, 
but  there  was  a  keen  frosty  feeling 
in  the  air  that  sent  us  shivering 
to  the  kitchen  range,  wondering 
if  steam  would  be  coming  along 
presently.  It  did  not  come,  and 
after  breakfast  I  went  down  to  in 
terview  our  janitor  on  the  subject. 

I  could  see  that  she  was  not  sur 
prised  at  my  errand.  The  incident 
of  the  gas  supply  had  prepared  her 
for  any  further  eccentricity  on  my 
part.  She  merely  waited  with  mild 
interest  to  hear  what  I  really  could 
do  when  I  tried.  Then  she  re 
marked  tersely  : — 

"  Yez  get  steam  on  the  fifteenth." 

"  Quite  so,"  I  assented,  "but  it's 
cold  to-day.  We  may  not  want  it 
on  the  fifteenth.  We  do  want  it 
now." 

These  facts  did  not  seem  to  im 
press  her. 

"  Yez  get  steam  on  the  fifteenth," 
3 


34         The  Van  Dwellers. 

she  repeated,  with  even  more  de 
cision,  and  I  could  tell  from  her 
manner  that  the  interview  was 
closed. 

I  went  back  to  where  the  Little 
Woman  was  getting  breakfast  (she 
had  laughed  at  the  idea  of  a  serv 
ant  in  our  dainty  little  nest)  and 
during  the  morning  she  and  the 
Precious  Ones  hugged  the  kitchen 
range.  In  the  afternoon  the  sun 
looked  in  at  our  parlor  windows 
and  made  the  room  cheerful  for  an 
hour.  Then  it  went  out  behind 
the  precipitous  hillside  park  oppo 
site,  and  with  the  chill  shadow  that 
crept  up  over  our  windows  came  a 
foreboding  that  was  bad  for  the 
romance  and  humor  of  the  situation. 
It  had  been  like  a  spiritless  Arctic 
day. 

In  the  evening  we  crept  to  the 
kitchen  range  ;  and  we  hibernated 
there,  more  or  less,  while  the  cold 


Learning  by  Experience.    35 

spell  lasted.  It  was  warm  by  the 
fifteenth,  but  on  that  day,  in  the 
hours  of  early  dawn,  we  were 
awakened  by  a  Wagnerian  overture 
in  the  steam  radiators.  It  became 
an  anvil  chorus  ere  long  and  there 
was  no  more  sleep.  By  breakfast 
time  we  had  all  the  things  open 
that  we  could  get  open  to  let  in 
fresh  air  and  we  were  shouting  to 
each  other  above  the  din  and  smell 
of  the  new  pipes.  We  made  allow 
ance,  of  course,  for  the  fact  that 
things  were  new,  and  we  said  we 
were  glad  there  would  be  enough 
heat  in  cold  weather,  anyway,  by 
which  you  will  see  how  really  in 
nocent  we  were  in  those  days. 

It  grew  cold  in  earnest  by  No 
vember  first.  And  then,  all  at 
once,  the  gold-painted  radiators,  as 
if  they  had  shown  what  they  could 
do  and  were  satisfied,  seemed  to 
lose  enthusiasm.  Now  and  then 


36         The  Van  Dwellers. 

in  the  night,  when  we  didn't  want 
it,  they  would  remember  and  start 
a  little  movement  from  the  Gotter- 
dammeruug,  but  by  morning  they 
seemed  discouraged  again  and  dur 
ing  the  day  they  were  of  fitful  and 
unresponsive  temperature. 

At  last  I  went  once  more  to  the 
janitor,  though  with  some  hesita 
tion,  I  confess.  I  don't  know  why. 
I  am  not  naturally  timid,  and 
usually  demand  and  obtain  the 
rights  of  ordinary  citizenship. 
Besides,  I  was  ignorant  then  of 
janitorial  tyranny  as  the  accepted 
code.  It  must  have  been  instinct. 
I  said  : — 

"What's  the  matter  with  our 
heat  up-stairs  ?  " 

She  answered : — 

"  An'  it's  what's  the  matter  with 
yer  heat,  is  it?  Well,  thin,  an' 
what  is  the  matter  with  yer  heat 
up-stairs  ?  " 


Learning  by  Experience.    37 

She  said  this,  and  also  looked  at 
me,  as  if  she  thought  our  heat 
might  be  afflicted  with  the  mumps 
or  measles  or  have  a  hare  lip,  and 
as  if  I  was  to  blame  for  it. 

u  The  matter  is  that  we  haven't 
got  any,"  I  said,  getting  somewhat 
awakened. 

She  looked  at  me  fully  a  minute 
this  time. 

"  Yez  haven't  got  any  !  Yez 
haven't  got  any  heat !  An'  here 
comes  the  madam  from  the  top 
floor  yesterday,  a  bilin'  over,  an' 
sayin'  that  they're  sick  with  too 
much  heat.  What  air  yez,  then, 
sallymandhers  ?  " 

"  But  yesterday  isn't  to-day,"  I 
urged,  "  and  I'm  not  the  woman 
on  the  top  floor.  We're  just  the 
people  on  the  first  floor  and  we're 
cold.  We  want  heat,  not  compari 
sons." 

I  wonder  now  how  I  was  ever 


38          The   Van  Dwellers. 

bold  enough,  to  say  these  things. 
It  was  my  ignorance,  of  course.  I 
would  not  dream  of  speaking  thus 
disrespectfully  to  a  janitor  to-day. 
I  had  a  dim  idea  at  the  time  that 
the  landlord  had  something  to  do 
with  his  own  premises,  and  that  if 
heat  were  not  forthcoming  I  could 
consult  him  and  get  action  in  the 
matter.  I  know  better  than  that, 
now,  and  my  enlightenment  on  this 
point  was  not  long  delayed. 

It  was  about  twelve  o'clock  that 
night,  I  think,  that  we  were  aroused 
by  a  heart-breaking,  furniture- 
smashing  disturbance.  At  first  I 
thought  murder  was  being  done  on 
our  doorstep.  Then  I  realized  that 
it  was  below  us.  I  sat  up  in  bed, 
my  hair  prickling.  The  Little 
Woman,  in  the  next  room  with  the 
Precious  Ones,  called  to  me  in  a 
voice  that  was  full  of  emotion.  I 
answered,  "  Sh  !  " 


Learning  by  Experience.    39 

Then  we  both  sat  still  in  the 
dark  while  our  veins  grew  icy. 
Somebody  below  was  begging  and 
pleading  for  mercy,  while  some 
body  else  was  commanding  quiet 
in  a  voice  that  meant  bloodshed  as 
an  alternative.  At  intervals  there 
was  a  fierce  struggle,  mingled  with 
destruction  and  hair-lifting  lan 
guage. 

Was  the  janitor  murdering  her 
husband?  Or  could  it  be  that  it 
was  the  other  way,  and  that  tardy 
justice  had  overtaken  the  janitor— 
that,  at  the  hands  of  her  husband 
or  some  outraged  tenant,  she  was 
meeting  a  well-merited  doom  ? 
Remembering  her  presence  and 
muscular  proportions  I  could  not 
hope  that  this  was  possible. 

The  Little  Woman  whispered 
tremblingly  that  we  ought  to  do 
something.  I  whispered  back  that 
I  was  quite  willing  she  should,  if 


4-O         The  Van  Dwellers. 

she  wanted  to,  but  that  for  my  own 
part  I  had  quit  interfering  in 
Hibernian  domestic  difficulties 
some  years  since.  In  the  morning 
I  would  complain  to  the  landlord  of 
our  service.  I  would  stand  it  no 
longer. 

Meantime,  it  was  not  yet  morn 
ing,  and  the  racket  below  went  on. 
The  very  quantity  of  it  was  reas 
suring.  There  was  too  much  of 
it  for  real  murder.  The  Precious 
Ones  presently  woke  up  and  cried. 
None  of  us  got  to  sleep  again  until 
well-nigh  morning,  even  after  the 
commotion  below  had  degenerated 
into  occasional  moans,  and  final 
silence. 

Before  breakfast  I  summoned  up 
all  my  remaining  courage  and 
went  down  there.  The  janitor  her 
self  came  to  the  door.  She  was 
uninjured,  so  far  as  I  could  discov 
er.  I  was  pretty  mad,  and  the  fact 


Learning  by  Experience.    41 

that  I  was  afraid  of  her  made  me 
madder. 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?  "  I  de 
manded,  "  by  making  such  a  hor 
rible  racket  down  here  in  the 
middle  of  the  night  ?  " 

She  regarded  me  with  an  amazed 
look,  as  if  I  had  been  dreaming. 

"  I  want  to  know,"  I  repeated, 
"  what  was  all  that  noise  down  here 
last  night  ?  " 

She  smiled  grimly. 

"  Oh,  an'  is  that  it?  Yez  want 
to  know  what  was  the  n'z'se,  do 
yez  ?  Well,  thin,  it  was  none  o'  yer 
business,  thats  what  it  was.  Now 
go  on  wid  yez,  an'  tend  to  yer  own 
business,  if  yez  have  any.  D'  y' 
mind  ?  " 

With  the  information  that  I  was 
going  at  once  to  the  landlord,  I 
turned  and  hurried  up  the  stairs  to 
avoid  violence.  She  promptly  fol 
lowed  me. 


42         The   Van  Dwellers. 

"  So  yez'll  be  after  telling  the 
landlord,  will  yez  ?  Well,  thin, 
yez  can  jnst  tell  the  landlord,  an' 
yez  can  just  sind  him  to  me. 
You'll  sind  Tim  Reilly  to  me. 
Maybe  yez  don't  know  that  Tim 
Reilly  once  carried  bricks  fer  my 
old  daddy,  an'  many's  the  time  I've 
given  him  a  bite  an'  a  sup  at  our 
back  door.  Oh,  yes,  sind  him  to 
me.  Sind  Tim  Reilly  to  me,  an' 
I'll  see,  when  me  ol'  man  comes 
home  late  wid  a  bit  of  liquor  in  his 
head,  if  it's  not  for  me  to  conthrol 
'im  after  our  own  fashions,  widout 
the  inquisitin'  of  people  who  better 
be  mindin'  of  their  own  n'ise. 
Kep'  yez  awake,  eh  ?  Well,  thin, 
see  that  yez  never  keep  anybody 
else  awake,  an'  sind  Tim  Reilly 
to  me !  " 

She  was  gone.  We  realized  then 
that  she  had  seen  better  days.  So 
had  we.  Later,  when  I  passed  her 


Learning  by  Experience.     43 

on  the  front  steps,  she  nodded  in 
her  usual  expressionless,  uncom 
promising  manner. 
?  I  did  not  go  to  the  landlord.  It 
would  be  useless,  we  said.  The 
helplessness  of  our  position  was 
becoming  daily  more  evident. 

And  with  the  realization  of  this 
we  began  to  discover  other  defects. 
We  found  that  the  house  faced 
really  almost  north  instead  of  west, 
and  that  the  sun  now  went  behind 
the  precipice  opposite  nearly  as 
soon  as  it  touched  the  tops  of  our 
windows,  while  the  dining-room 
and  kitchen  were  wretchedly  dark 
all  day  long. 

Then,  too,  the  crooked  fireplace 
in  the  former  was  a  disfigurement, 
the  rooms  were  closets,  or  cells, 
the  paper  abominable,  the  wardrobe 
damp,  the  drawers  swollen  or  exas 
perating  misfits,  the  whole  apart 
ment  the  flimsiest  sort  of  a  cheap, 


44         The   Van  Dwellers. 

showy,  contract  structure,  such  as 
no  self-respecting  people  should 
occupy. 

We  said  we  would  move.  We 
recited  our  wrongs  to  each  other  in 
detail,  and  began  consulting  Sun 
day  papers  immediately. 


Our  First  Move.  45 


IV. 

Our  First  Move. 

IT  was  the  Little  Woman  who 
selected  our  next  habitation. 

Education  accumulates  rapidly 
in  the  Metropolis,  and  I  could  see 
that  she  already  possessed  more 
definite  views  on  "  flats  and  apart 
ments  "  than  she  had  acquired  on 
many  another  subject  familiar  to 
her  from  childhood. 

Politics,  for  instance,  do  not 
exist  for  the  Little  Woman.  Presi 
dents  come  and  go,  torchlight  pro 
cessions  bloom  and  fade  and  leave 
not  so  much  as  a  wind-riffle  on  the 
sands  of  memory.  The  stock 
market,  too,  was  at  this  time  but  a 


46         The   Van  Dwellers. 

name  to  her.  Both  of  us  have 
acquired  knowledge  since  in  this 
direction,  but  that  is  another  story. 
Shares  might  rise  and  fall  in  those 
early  days,  and  men  clutch  at  each 
other's  throats  as  ruin  dragged  them 
down.  The  Little  Woman  saw 
but  a  page  of  figures  in  the  eve 
ning  paper  and  perhaps  regarded 
them  as  a  sort  of  necessary  form — 
somewhat  in  the  nature  of  the  con 
gressional  reports  which  nobody 
ever  reads.  Yet  all  her  life  she 
had  been  amid  these  vital  issues, 
and  now,  behold,  after  two  short 
months  she  had  acquired  more  in 
formation  on  New  York  apartment 
life  than  she  would  ever  have  on 
both  the  others  put  together.  She 
knew  now  what  we  needed  and  she 
would  find  it.  I  was  willing  that 
this  should  be  so.  There  were 
other  demands  on  my  time,  and 
besides,  I  had  not  then  contracted 


Our  First  Move.  47 

the  flat-disease  in  its  subsequent 
virulent  form. 

She  said,  and  I  agreed  with  her, 
that  it  was  a  mistake  to  be  so  far 
from  the  business  center.  That  the 
time,  car  fare,  and  nerve  tissue 
wasted  between  Park  Place  and 
Harlem  were  of  more  moment  than 
a  few  dollars'  difference  in  the 
monthly  rent. 

We  regarded  this  conclusion 
somewhat  in  the  light  of  a  discovery, 
and  wondered  why  people  of  ex 
perience  had  not  made  it  before. 
Ah,  me  !  we  have  made  many  dis 
coveries  since  that  time.  Discoveries 
as  old  as  they  are  always  new.  The 
first  friendly  ray  of  March  sunlight; 
the  first  green  leaf  in  the  park  ; 
the  first  summer  glow  of  June  ; 
the  first  dead  leaf  and  keen  blast 
of  autumn  ;  these,  too,  have  wakened 
within  us  each  year  a  new  under 
standing  of  our  needs  and  of  the 


48         The  Van  Dwe/Iers. 

ideal  habitation  ;  these,  too,  have 
set  us  to  discovering  as  often  as 
they  come  around,  as  men  shall  still 
discover  so  long  as  seasons  of  snow 
and  blossom  pass,  and  the  heart  of 
youth  seeks  change.  But  here  I  am 
digressing  again,  when  I  should 
be  getting  on  with  my  story. 

As  I  have  said,  the  Little  Woman 
selected  our  next  home.  The 
Little  Woman  and  the  Precious 
Ones.  They  were  gone  each  day 
for  several  hours  and  returned  each 
evening  wearied  to  the  bone  but 
charged  heavily  with  information. 

The  Little  Woman  was  no  longer 
a  novice.  "  Single  and  double 
flats,"  "  open  plumbing,"  "  tiled 
vestibule,"  "  uniformed  hall  serv 
ice,"  and  other  stock  terms,  came 
trippingly  from  her  tongue. 

Of  some  of  the  places  she  had 
diagrams.  Of  others  she  volun 
teered  to  draw  them  from  memory. 


Our  First  Move.  49 

I  did  not  then  realize  that  this  was 
the  first  symptom  of  flat-collecting 
in  its  acute  form,  or  that  in  examin 
ing  her  crude  pencilings  I  was 
courting  the  infection.  I  could 
not  foresee  that  the  slight  yet  defi 
nite  and  curious  variation  in  the 
myriad  city  apartments  might  be 
come  a  fascination  at  last,  and  the 
desire  for  possession  a  mania  more 
enslaving  than  even  the  acquire 
ment  of  rare  rugs  or  old  china  and 
bottles. 

I  examined  the  Little  Woman's 
assortment  with  growing  interest 
while  the  Precious  Ones  chorused 
their  experiences,  which  consisted 
mainly  in  the  things  they  had 
been  allowed  to  eat  and  drink, 
and  from  the  nature  of  these  I 
suspected  occasional  surrender  and 
bribery  on  the  part  of  the  Little 
Woman. 

It  was  a  place  well  down  town 

4 


50         The   Van  Dwellers. 

that  we  chose.  It  was  a  second 
floor,  open  in  the  rear,  and  there 
was  sunlight  most  of  the  day.  The 
rooms  were  really  better  than  the 
ones  we  had.  They  could  not  be 
worse,  we  decided — a  fallacy,  for  I 
have  never  seen  a  flat  so  bad  that 
there  could  not  be  a  worse  one — 
and  the  price  was  not  much  higher. 
Also,  there  was  a  straight  fireplace 
in  the  dining-room,  which  the 
Precious  Ones  described  as  being 
"  lovelly,"  and  the  janitress  was  a 
humble  creature  who  had  won  the 
Little  Woman's  heart  by  unbur 
dening  herself  of  numerous  sad  ex 
periences  and  bitter  wrongs,  be 
sides  a  number  of  perfectly  just 
opinions  concerning  janitors,  indi 
vidually  and  at  large. 

Altogether  the  place  seemed  quite 
in  accordance  with  our  present 
views.  I  paid  a  month's  rent  in 
advance  the  next  morning,  and 


THE   PRECIOUS   ONES    WERE    RACING    ABOUT   AMONG   BOXES 
AND    BARRELS   IN    UNALLOYED    HAPPINESS. 


Our  First  Move.  51 

during  the  day  the  Little  Woman 
engaged  a  moving  man. 

She  was  packing  when  I  came 
home  and  the  Precious  Ones  were 
racing  about  among  boxes  and 
barrels  in  unalloyed  happiness.  It 
did  not  seem  possible  that  we  had 
bought  so  much  or  that  I  could  have 
put  so  many  tacks  in  the  matting. 

The  moving  men  would  be  there 
with  their  van  by  daylight  next 
morning,  she  said.  (It  seems  that 
the  man  at  the  office  had  told  her 
that  we  would  have  to  get  up  early 
to  get  ahead  of  him,  and  she  had 
construed  this  statement  literally.) 
So  we  toiled  far  into  the  night  and 
then  crept  wearily  to  bed  in  our 
dismantled  nest,  to  toss  wakefully 
through  the  few  remaining  hours 
of  darkness,  fearful  that  the  sum 
mons  of  the  forehanded  and  expedi 
tious  moving  man  would  find  us  in 
slumber  and  unprepared. 


52         The   Van  Dwellers. 

We  were  deeply  grateful  to  him 
that  he  did  not  arrived  before  we 
had  finished  our  early  and  scrappy 
breakfast.  Then  presently,  when 
we  were  ready  for  him  and  he  did 
not  appear,  we  were  still  apprecia 
tive,  for  we  said  to  each  other  that 
he  was  giving  us  a  little  extra  time 
so  that  we  would  not  feel  upset  and 
hurried.  Still,  it  would  be  just  as 
well  if  he  would  come,  now,  so  that 
we  might  get  moved  and  settled  be 
fore  night. 

It  had  been  a  bright,  pleasant 
morning,  but  as  the  forenoon  ad 
vanced  the  sky  darkened  and  it  grew 
bitterly  cold.  Gloom  settled  down 
without  and  the  meager  steam 
supply  was  scarcely  noticeable  in 
our  bare  apartment.  The  Precious 
Ones  ran  every  minute  to  the  door 
to  watch  for  the  moving  van  and 
came  back  to  us  with  blue  noses 
and  icy  hands.  We  began  to 


Our  First  Move.  53 

wonder  if  something  had  gone 
wrong.  Perhaps  a  misunderstand 
ing  of  the  address — illness  or  sud 
den  death  on  the  part  of  the  man 
who  had  made  the  engagement — 
perhaps — 

I  went  around  at  last  to  make 
inquiries.  A  heavy,  dusty  person 
looked  into  the  soiled  book  and  ran 
his  finger  down  the  page. 

"  That's  right !  "  he  announced. 
"  Address  all  correct.  Van  on  the 
way  around  there  now." 

I  hurried  back  comforted.  I  do 
not  believe  in  strong  language,  but 
that  heavy  individual  with  the 
soiled  book  was  a  dusty  liar.  There 
is  no  other  word  to  express  it — if 
there  was,  and  a  stronger  one,  I 
would  use  it.  He  was  a  liar  by  in 
stinct  and  a  prevaricator  by  trade. 
The  van  was  not  at  our  door  when 
I  returned.  Neither  had  it  started 
in  our  direction. 


54         The  Van  Dwellers. 

We  had  expected  to  get  down  to 
our  new  quarters  by  noon  and  en 
joy  a  little  lunch  at  a  near-by  res 
taurant  before  putting  things  in 
order.  At  lunch  time  the  van  had 
still  not  appeared  and  there  was  no 
near-by  restaurant.  The  Precious 
Ones  began  to  demand  food  and 
the  Little  Woman  laboriously  dug 
down  into  several  receptacles  be 
fore  she  finally  brought  forth  part 
of  a  loaf  of  dry  bread  and  a  small, 
stony  lump  of  butter.  But  to  the 
Precious  Ones  it  meant  life  and  re 
newed  joy. 

The  moving  man  came  at  one 
o'clock  and  in  a  great  hurry.  He 
seemed  surprised  that  we  were 
ready  for  him.  There  were  so 
many  reasons  why  he  had  not  come 
sooner  that  we  presently  wondered 
how  he  had  been  able  to  get  there 
at  all.  He  was  a  merry,  self- 
assured  villain,  and  whistled  as  he 


Our  First  Move.  55 

and  his  rusty  assistant  hustled  our 
things  out  on  the  pavement,  leav 
ing  all  the  doors  open. 

We  were  not  contented  with  his 
manner  of  loading.  The  pieces  we 
were  proud  of — our  polished  Louis- 
XlVth-Street  furniture — he  hur 
ried  into  the  darkness  of  his  mighty 
van,  while  those  pieces  which  in 
every  household  are  regarded  more 
as  matters  of  use  than  ornament 
he  left  ranged  along  the  pavement 
for  all  the  world  to  gape  at.  Now 
and  then  he  paused  to  recount  in 
cidents  of  his  former  varied  experi 
ence  and  to  try  on  such  of  my  old 
clothes  as  came  within  his  reach 
I  realized  now  why  most  of  the 
things  he  wore  did  not  fit  him. 
His  wardrobe  was  the  accumulation 
of  many  movings. 

His  contempt  for  our  furniture 
was  poorly  concealed.  He  sug 
gested,  kindly  enough,  however, 


56         The  Van  Dwellers. 

that  for  living  around  in  flats  it  was 
too  light,  and  after  briefly  watch 
ing  his  handling  of  it  I  quite  agreed 
with  him.  It  was  four  o'clock 
when  we  were  finally  off,  and  the 
shades  of  evening  had  fallen  before 
we  reached  our  new  home. 

The  generous  and  sympathetic 
welcome  of  our  new  janitress  was 
like  balm.  She  was  low-voiced  and 
her  own  sorrows  had  filled  her  with 
a  broad  understanding  of  human 
trials.  She  looked  weary  herself, 
and  suggested  en  passant  that  the 
doctor  had  prescribed  a  little  stimu 
lant  as  being  what  she  most  needed, 
but  that,  of  course,  such  things 
were  not  for  the  poor. 

I  had  a  bottle  of  material,  dis 
tilled  over  the  peat  fires  of  Scot 
land.  I  knew  where  it  was  and  I 
found  it  for  her.  Then  the  moving 
man  came  up  with  a  number  of  our 
belongings  and  we  forgot  her  in 


Our  First  Move.  57 

the  general  turmoil  and  misery  that 
ensued.  Bump — bump — up  the 
narrow  stairs  came  our  household 
goods  and  gods,  and  were  planted 
at  random  about  the  floor,  in  shape 
less  heaps  and  pyramids.  All  were 
up,  at  last,  except  a  few  large 
pieces. 

At  this  point  in  the  proceedings 
the  moving  man  and  his  assistant 
paused  in  their  labors  and  the  for 
mer  fished  out  of  his  misfit  cloth 
ing  a  greasy  piece  of  paper  which  he 
handed  me.  I  glanced  at  it  under 
the  jet  and  saw  that  it  was  my  bill. 

"  Oh,  all  right,  "  I  said,  "  I  can't 
stop  just  now.  Wait  till  you  get 
everything  up,  and  then  I  can  get 
at  my  purse  and  pay  you." 

He  grinned  at  me. 

"  It's  the  boss's  rule,"  he  said, 
"  to  collect  before  the  last  things 
is  taken  out  of  the  van." 

I  understood  now  why  the  pieces 


58         The  Van  Dwellers. 

of  value  had  gone  in  first.  I  also 
understood  what  the  u  boss "  had 
meant  in  saying  that  we  would 
have  to  get  up  early  to  get  ahead 
of  him.  While  I  was  digging  up 
the  money  they  made  side  remarks 
to  each  other  on  the  lateness  of  the 
hour,  the  length  of  the  stairs,  and 
the  heaviness  of  the  pieces  still  to 
come.  I  gave  them  each  a  liberal 
tip  in  sheer  desperation. 

They  were  gone  at  last  and  we 
stood  helplessly  among  our  belong 
ings  that  lay  like  flotsam  and  jet 
sam  tossed  up  on  a  forbidding 
shore.  The  Precious  Ones  were 
whimpering  with  cold  and  hunger 
and  want  of  sleep  ;  the  hopelessness 
of  life  pressed  heavily  upon  us. 
Wearily  we  dragged  something  to 
gether  for  beds,  and  then  crept  out 
to  find  food.  When  we  returned 
there  was  a  dark  object  in  the  dim 
hall  against  our  door.  I  struck 


Our  First  Move.  59 

a  match  to  see  what  it  was.  It 
a  woman,  and  the  sorrows  of  living 
and  the  troubles  of  dying  were  as 
naught  to  her.  Above  and  about 
her  hung  the  aroma  of  the  peat  fires 
of  Scotland.  It  was  our  janitress, 
and  she  had  returned  us  the  empty 
bottle. 


60         The   Van  Jewellers. 


V. 

A  Boarding  House  for  a  Change. 

OUR  new  janitor  was  not  alto 
gether  unworthy,  but  she 
drowned  her  sorrows  too 
deeply  and  too  often,  and  her 
praiseworthy  attributes  were  inci 
dentally  submerged  in  the  process. 
She  was  naturally  kind-hearted, 
and  meant  to  be  industrious,  but  the 
demon  of  the  still  had  laid  its 
blight  heavily  upon  her.  We 
often  found  her  grim  and  harsh, 
even  to  the  point  of  malevolence, 
and  she  did  not  sweep  the  stairs. 
We  attempted  diplomacy  at 
first,  and  affected  a  deep  sympathy 
with  her  wrongs.  Then  we  tried 
bribery,  and  in  this  moral  decline 


A  Boarding    House.         6 1 

I  descended  to  things  that  I  wish 
now  neither  to  confess  nor  remem 
ber. 

In  desperation,  at  last,  we  com 
plained  to  the  agent,  whereupon 
she  promptly  inundated  her  griefs 
even  more  deeply  than  usual,  and 
sat  upon  the  stairs  outside  our  door 
to  denounce  us.  She  declared  that 
a  widow's  curse  was  upon  us,  and 
that  we  would  never  prosper.  It 
sounded  gruesome  at  the  time,  but 
we  have  wondered  since  whether  a 
grass  widow's  is  as  effective,  for 
we  learned  presently  that  her 
spouse,  though  absent,  was  still  in 
the  flesh. 

It  was  at  the  end  of  the  second 
month  that  we  agreed  upon  board 
ing.  We  said  that  after  all  house 
keeping  on  a  small  scale  was  less 
agreeable  and  more  expensive  than 
one  might  suppose,  viewing  it  at 
long  range. 


62         The   Van  Dwellers. 

We  looked  over  the  papers  again 
and  found  the  inducements  attract 
ive.  We  figured  out  that  we  could 
get  two  handsome  rooms  and  board 
for  no  more,  and  perhaps  even  a 
trifle  less,  than  we  had  been  ex 
pending  on  the  doubtful  luxury  of 
apartment  life.  Then,  too,  there 
would  be  a  freedom  from  the  re 
sponsibility  of  marketing,  and  the 
preparation  of  food.  We  looked 
forward  to  being  able  to  come  down 
to  the  dining-room  without  know 
ing  beforehand  just  what  we  were 
going  to  have. 

It  was  well  that  we  enjoyed  this 
pleasure  in  anticipation.  Viewed  in 
the  retrospective  it  is  wanting.  We 
did  know  exactly  what  we  were  go 
ing  to  have  after  the  first  week.  We 
learned  the  combination  perfectly 
in  that  time,  and  solved  the  system 
of  deductive  boarding-house  econ 
omy  within  the  month  so  correctly 


A  Boarding  House.         63 

that  given  the  Sunday  bill  of  fare 
we  could  have  supplied  in  minute 
detail  the  daily  program  for  the  re 
mainder  of  any  week  in  the  year. 

Of  course  there  is  a  satisfaction 
in  working  out  a  problem  like  that, 
and  we  did  take  a  grim  pleasure  on 
Sunday  afternoons  in  figuring  just 
what  we  were  to  have  for  each  meal 
on  the  rest  of  the  days,  but  after 
the  novelty  of  this  wore  off  there 
began  to  be  something  really  deadly 
about  the  exactness  of  this  house 
hold  machinery  and  the  certainty 
of  our  calculations. 

The  prospect  of  Tuesday's  stew, 
for  instance,  was  not  a  thing  to  be 
disregarded  or  lightly  disposed  of. 
It  assumed  a  definite  place  in  the 
week's  program  as  early  as  two 
o'clock  on  Sunday  afternoon,  and 
even  when  Tuesday  was  lived  down 
and  had  linked  itself  to  the  past,  the 
memory  of  its  cuisine  lingered  and 


64         The  Van    'Dwellers. 

lay  upon  us  until  we  even  fancied 
that  the  very  walls  of  our  two  plush 
upholstered  rooms  were  tinged  and 
tainted  and  permeated  with  the 
haunting  sorrow  of  a  million  Tues 
day  stews. 

It  is  true  that  we  were  no  longer 
subject  to  janitorial  dictation,  or 
to  the  dumb-waiter  complications 
which  are  often  distressing  to  those 
who  live  at  the  top  of  the  house  and 
get  the  last  choice  of  the  meat  and 
ice  deliveries,  but  our  landlady  and 
the  boarders  we  had  always  with 
us. 

The  former  was  a  very  stoiit  per 
son  and  otherwise  afflicted  with 
Christian  science  and  a  weak  chest. 
It  did  not  seem  altogether  consistent 
that  she'should  have  both,  though 
we  did  not  encourage  a  discussion 
of  the  matter.  We  were  willing 
that  she  should  have  as  many 
things  as  she  could  stand  up  under 


A  Boarding  House.         65 

if  she  only  wouldn't  try  to  divide 
them  with  us. 

I  am  sure  now  that  some  of  the 
other  boarders  must  have  been  dis 
courteous  and  even  harsh  with  this 
unfortunate  female,  and  that  by 
contrast  we  appeared  sympathetic 
and  kind.  At  least,  it  seemed  that 
she  drifted  to  us  by  some  natural 
process,  and  evenings  when  I 
wanted  to  read,  or  be  read  to  by 
the  Little  Woman,  she  blew  in  to 
review  the  story  of  her  ailments 
and  to  expound  the  philosophy 
which  holds  that  all  the  ills  of  life 
are  but  vanity  and  imagination. 
Perhaps  her  ailments  may  have 
been  all  imagination  and  vanity, 
but  they  did  not  seem  so  to  us. 
They  seemed  quite  real.  Indeed 
they  became  so  deadly  real  in  time 
that  more  than  once  we  locked  our 
doors  after  the  Precious  Ones  were 
asleep,  turned  out  the  gas,  and  sat 
5 


66         The  Van  Dwellers. 

silent  and  trembling  in  darkness 
until  the  destroying  angel  should 
pass  by. 

I  have  spoken  of  the  boarders. 
They  too  laid  their  burdens  upon 
us.  For  what  reason  I  can  only 
conjecture.  They  brought  us  their 
whole  stock  of  complaints — com 
plaints  of  the  landlady,  of  the  table 
and  of  each  other.  Being  from  the 
great  wide  West  we  may  have 
seemed  a  bit  more  broadly  human 
than  most  of  those  whose  natures 
had  been  dwarfed  and  blighted  in 
the  city's  narrow  soulless  round  of 
daily  toil.  Or  it  may  be  all  of 
them  had  fallen  out  among  them 
selves  before  we  came.  I  don't 
know.  I  know  that  a  good  many  of 
them  had,  for  they  told  us  about 
it — casually  at  first,  and  then  in 

detail. 

As  an  example,  we  learned  from 
the  woman  across  the  hall  that 


A  Boarding  House.         67 

another  woman,  who  occupied  the 
top  floor  back  and  painted  undesir 
able  water-colors,  had  been  once  an 
artist's  model,  and  that  she  smoked. 
From  the  top  floor  back,  in  turn, 
we  discovered  that  the  woman 
across  the  way,  now  a  writer  of 
more  or  less  impossible  plays,  had 
been  formerly  a  ballet  girl  and  still 
did  a  turn  now  and  then  to  aid  in 
the  support  of  a  dissolute  and 
absent  husband. 

These  things  made  it  trying  for 
us.  We  could  not  tell  which  \vas 
the  more  deserving  of  sympathy. 
Both  seemed  to  have  drawn  a  pretty 
poor  hand  in  what  was  a  hard 
enough  game  at  best.  And  there 
were  others. 

Within  the  month  we  were  con 
versant  with  all  the  existing  feuds 
as  well  as  those  of  the  past,  and 
with  the  plots  that  were  being 
hatched  to  result  in  a  new  brood  of 


68         The   Van  Dwellers. 

scandals  and  counterplots,  which 
were  retailed  to  the  Little  Woman 
and  subsequently  to  me.  We  were 
a  regular  clearing-house  at  last  for 
the  wrongs  and  shortcomings  of 
the  whole  establishment,  and  the 
responsibility  of  our  position 
weighed  us  down. 

We  had  never  been  concerned  in 
intrigue  before,  and  it  did  not  agree 
with  our  simple  lives.  I  could  feel 
myself  deteriorating,  morally  and 
intellectually.  I  had  a  desire  to 
beat  the  Precious  Ones  (who  were 
certainly  well  behaved  for  children 
shut  up  in  two  stuffy  rooms)  or  bet 
ter  still  to  set  the  house  afire,  and 
run  amuck  killing  and  slaying  down 
four  flights  of  stairs — to  do  some 
thing  very  terrible  in  fact — some 
thing  deadly  and  horrible  and  final 
that  would  put  an  end  forever  to 
this  melancholy  haunt  of  Tuesday 
stews  and  ghoulish  boarders  with 


A  Boarding  House.         69 

the  torturing  tattle  of  their  ever 
lasting  tongues.  I  shocked  the 
Little  Woman  daily  with  words 
and  phrases,  used  heretofore  only 
under  very  trying  conditions,  that 
had  insensibly  become  the  decora 
tions  of  my  ordinary  speech. 

Clearly  something  had  to  be 
done,  and  that  very  soon,  if  we 
were  to  save  even  the  remnants  of 
respectability.  We  recalled  with 
fondness  some  of  the  very  discom 
forts  of  apartment  life  and  said  we 
would  go  back  to  it  at  any  cost. 

Our  furniture  was  in  storage. 
We  would  get  it  out,  and  we  would 
begin  anew,  profiting  by  our  ex 
perience.  We  would  go  at  once, 
and  among  other  things  we  would 
go  farther  up  town.  So  far  down 
was  too  noisy,  besides  the  air  was 
not  good  for  the  Precious  Ones. 

It  was  coming  on  spring,  too,  and 
it  would  be  pleasanter  farther  up. 


70         The  Van  Dwellers. 

Not  so  far  as  we  had  been  before, 
but  far  enough  to  be  out  of  the 
whirl  and  clatter  and  jangle.  It 
was  possible,  we  believed,  to  strike 
the  happy  medium,  and  this  we 
regarded  somewhat  in  the  light  of 
another  discovery. 

Life  now  began  to  assume  a  new 
interest.  In  the  few  remaining 
days  of  our  stay  in  the  boarding- 
house  we  grew  tolerant  and  even 
fond  of  our  fellow-boarders,  and 
admitted  that  an  endless  succes 
sion  of  Tuesday  stews  and  Wednes 
day  hashes  would  make  us  even  as 
they.  We  went  so  far  as  to  sym 
pathize  heartily  with  the  landlady, 
-,vho  wept  and  embraced  the  Little 
Woman  when  we  went,  and  gave 
the  Precious  Ones  some  indigesti 
ble  candy. 

We  set  forth  then,  happy  in  the 
belief  that  we  had  mastered,  at  last, 
the  problem  of  metropolitan  living. 


A  Boarding  House.         71 

We  had  tried  boarding  for  a  change, 
and  as  such  it  had  been  a  success, 
but  we  were  altogether  ready  to 
take  up  our  stored  furniture  and 
find  lodgment  for  it,  some  place, 
any  place,  where  the  bill  of  fare  was 
not  wholly  deductive,  where  our 
rooms  would  not  be  made  a  con 
fessional  and  a  scandal  bureau,  and 
where  we  could,  in  some  measure, 
at  least,  feel  that  we  had  a  "  home, 
sweet  home." 


72          The   Van   Dwellers. 


VI. 

Pursuing  the  Ideal. 

I  SUPPOSE  it  was  our  eagerness 
for  a  home  that  made  us  so 
easy  to  please. 

Looking  back  now  after  a  period 
of  years  on  the  apartment  we 
selected  for  our  ideal  nest  I  am  at 
a  loss  to  recall  our  reasons  for  doing 
so.  Innocent  though  we  were,  it 
does  not  seem  to  me  that  we  could 
have  found  in  the  brief  time  devoted 
to  the  search  so  poor  a  street,  so 
wretched  a  place,  and  so  disreputa 
ble  a  janitor  (this  time  a  man).  I 
only  wish  to  recall  that  the  place 
was  damp  and  small,  with  the 
kitchen  in  front ;  that  some  people 
across  the  air  shaft  were  wont  to 


Pursuing  the  Ideal.         73 

raise  Cain  all  night  long  ;  that  the 
two  men  below  us  frequently  at 
tempted  to  murder  each  other  at 
unseemly  hours,  and  that  some 
extra  matting  and  furniture  stored 
in  the  basement  were  stolen,  I  sus 
pect,  by  the  janitor  himself. 

Once  more  we  folded  our  tents, 
such  of  them  as  we  had  left,  and 
went  far  up  town — very  far,  this 
time.  We  said  that  if  we  had  to 
live  up  town  o.t  all  we  would  go  far 
enough  to  get  a  whiff  of  air  from 
fresh  fields. 

There  was  spring  in  the  air  when 
we  moved,  and  far  above  the  Har 
lem  River,  where  birds  sang  under 
blue  skies  and  the  south  breeze 
swept  into  our  top-floor  windows, 
we  set  up  our  household  goods  and 
gods  once  more.  They  were  get 
ting  a  bit  shaky  now,  and  bruised. 
The  mirrors  on  sideboard  and 
dresser  had  never  been  put  on 


74         The  Van  Dwellers. 

twice  the  same,  and  the  middle  leg 
of  the  dining-room  table  wobbled 
from  having  been  removed  so  often. 
But  we  oiled  out  the  mark  and 
memory  of  the  moving-man, 
bought  new  matting,  and  went  into 
the  month  of  June  fresh,  clean,  and 
hopeful,  with  no  regret  for  past 
errors. 

And  now  at  last  we  found  really 
some  degree  of  comfort.  It  is  true 
our  neighbors  were  hardly  congen 
ial,  but  they  were  inoffensive  and 
kindly  disposed.  The  piano  on 
the  floor  beneath  did  not  furnish 
pleasing  entertainment,  but  neither 
was  it  constant  in  its  efforts  to 
do  so.  The  stairs  were  long  and 
difficult  of  ascent,  but  our  distance 
from  the  street  was  gratifying.  The 
business  center  was  far  away,  but  I 
had  learned  to  improve  the  time  con 
sumed  in  transit,  and  our  cool  eyrie 
was  refreshing  after  the  city  heat. 


Pursuing  the  Ideal.         75 

As  for  the  janitor,  or  janitress, 
for  I  do  not  know  in  which  side  of 
the  family  the  office  was  existent, 
he,  she,  or  both  were  merely  lazy, 
indifferent,  and  usually  invisible. 
Between  them  they  managed  to 
keep  the  place  fairly  clean,  and 
willingly  promised  anything  we 
asked.  It  is  true  they  never  ful 
filled  these  obligations,  but  they 
were  always  eager  to  renew  them 
with  interest,  and  on  the  whole  the 
place  was  not  at  all  bad. 

But  the  Precious  Ones  had,  by 
this  time,  grown  fond  of  change. 
We  were  scarcely  settled  before 
they  began  to  ask  when  we  were 
going  to  move  again,  and  often  re 
quested  as  a  favor  that  we  take 
them  out  to  look  at  some  flats.  We 
overheard  them  playing  "  flat- 
hunting"  almost  every  day,  in 
which  game  one  of  them  would  as 
sume  the  part  of  janitor  to  "  show 


j6         The  Van  Dwellers. 

through  "  while  the  other  would  be 
a  prospective  tenant  who  surve3^ed 
things  critically  and  made  charac 
teristic  remarks,  such  as,  "  How 
many  flights  up  ?  "  "  How  much  ?  " 
"  Too  small,"  "  Oh,  my,  kitchen's 
too  dark,"  "  What  awful  paper," 
"  You  don't  call  that  closet  a  room, 
I  hope,"  and  the  like.  It  seemed  a 
harmless  game,  and  we  did  not  sus 
pect  that  in  a  more  serious  form  its 
fascinations  were  insidiously  root 
ing  themselves  in  our  own  lives. 
It  is  true  we  often  found  ourselves 
pausing  in  front  of  new  apartments 
and  wondering  what  they  were  like 
inside,  and  urged  by  the  Precious 
Ones  entered,  now  and  then,  to  see 
and  inquire.  In  fact  the  Precious 
Ones  really  embarrassed  us  some 
times  when,  on  warm  Sunday  after 
noons,  where  people  were  sitting 
out  on  the  shady  steps,  they  would 
pause  eagerly  in  front  of  the  sign 


Pursuing  the  Ideal. 


77 


"  To  Let  »  with  :  "  Oh,  papa,  look ! 
Seven  rooms  and  bath !  Oh,  mam 
ma,  let's  go  in  and  see  them  !  Oh, 
please,  mamma  !  Please,  papa  !  " 

At  such  times  we  hurried  by, 
oblivious  to  their  importunities, 
but  when  the  situation  was  less 
trying  we  only  too  frequently 
yielded,  and  each  time  with  less  and 
less  reluctance. 

It  was  in  the  early  fall  that  we 
moved  again, — into  a  sunny  corner 
flat  on  a  second  floor  that  we  strayed 
into  during  one  of  these  rambles, 
and  became  ensnared  by  its  clean, 
new  attractions.  We  said  that  it 
would  be  better  for  winter,  and  that 
we  were  tired  of  four  long  flight  of 
stairs.  But,  alas,  by  spring  every 
thing  was  out  of  order  from  the 
electric  bell  at  the  entrance  to  the 
clothes-lines  on  the  roof,  while  jani 
tors  came  and  went  like  Punch  and 
Judy  figures.  Most  of  the  time 


78         The  Van  Dwellers. 

we  had  none,  and  some  that  we  had 
were  better  dead.  So  we  moved 
when  the  birds  came  back,  but  it 
was  a  mistake,  and  on  the  Fourth 
of  July  we  celebrated  by  moving 
again. 

We  now  called  ourselves  "  van- 
dwellers,"  the  term  applied  by 
landlord  and  agent  to  those  who 
move  systematically  and  inhabit 
the  moving-man's  great  trundling 
house  no  less  than  four  to  six  times 
a  year.  I  am  not  sure,  however, 
that  we  ever  really  earned  the  title. 
The  true  "  van-dweller "  makes 
money  by  moving  and  getting  free 
rent,  while  I  fear  the  wear  and  tear 
on  our  chattels  more  than  offset 
any  advantage  we  ever  acquired  in 
this  particular  direction. 

I  can  think  of  no  reason  now  for 
having  taken  our  next  flat  except 
that  it  was  different  from  any  of 
those  preceding.  Still,  it  was  better 


Pursuing  the  Ideal.         79 

than  the  summer  board  we  selected 
from  sixty  answers  to  our  advertise 
ment,  and  after  eighteen  minutes' 
experience  with  a  sweltering  room 
and  an  aged  and  apoplectic  dog 
whose  quarters  we  seemed  to  have 
usurped,  we  came  back  to  it  like 
returning  exiles. 

It  was  a  long  time  before  we 
moved  again — almost  four  months. 
Then  the  Little  Woman  strayed 
into  another  new  house,  and  was 
captivated  by  a  series  of  rooms  that 
ran  merrily  around  a  little  ex 
tension  in  a  manner  that  allowed 
the  sun  to  shine  into  every  window. 

We  had  become  connoisseurs  by 
this  time.  We  could  tell  almost 
the  exact  shape  and  price  of  an 
apartment  from  its  outside  ap 
pearance.  After  one  glance  inside 
we  could  carry  the  plan  mentally 
for  months  and  reproduce  it  mi 
nutely  on  paper  at  will.  We  had 


80         The  Van  Dwellers. 

learned,  too,  that  it  is  only  by 
living  in  many  houses  in  rotation 
that  you  can  know  the  varied  charms 
of  apartment  life.  No  one  flat  can 
provide  them  all. 

The  new  place  had  its  attractions 
and  we  passed  a  merry  Christmas 
there.  Altogether  our  stay  in  it 
was  not  unpleasant,  in  spite  of  the 
soiled  and  soulless  Teutonic  lady 
below  stairs.  I  think  we  might 
have  remained  longer  in  this  place 
but  for  the  fact  that  when  spring 
came  once  more  we  were  seized  with 
the  idea  of  becoming  suburbanites. 

We  said  that  a  city  apartment 
after  all  was  no  place  for  children, 
and  that  a  yard  of  our  own,  and 
green  fields,  must  be  found.  With 
the  numerous  quick  train  services 
about  New  York  it  was  altogether 
possible  to  get  out  and  in  as  readily 
as  from  almost  any  point  of  the 
upper  metropolis,  and  that,  after 


Pursuing  the  Ideal.          8 1 

all,  in  the  country  was  the  only 
place  to  live. 

We  got  nearly  one  hundred 
answers  to  our  carefully-worded 
advertisement  fora  house,  or  part  of 
a  house,  within  certain  limits,  and 
the  one  selected  was  seemingly 
ideal.  Green  fields  behind  it,  a  rail 
road  station  within  easy  walking 
distance,  grasshoppers  singing  in 
the  weeds  across  the  road.  We 
strolled,  hand  in  hand  with  the  Pre 
cious  Ones,  over  sweet  meadows, 
gathering  dandelions  and  listening 
to  the  birds.  We  had  a  lawn,  too, 
and  sunny  windows,  and  we  felt 
free  to  do  as  we  chose  in  any  part 
of  our  domain,  even  in  the  basement, 
for  here  there  was  no  janitor. 

We  rejoiced  in  our  newly-ac 
quired  freedom,  and  praised  every 
thing  from  the  warm  sunlight  that 
lay  in  a  square  on  the  matting  of 
every  room  to  the  rain  that  splashed 


82         The   Van  Dwellers. 

against  the  windows  and  trailed 
across  the  waving  fields.  It  is 
true  we  had  a  servant  now — Rosa, 
of  whom  I  shall  speak  later — but 
even  the  responsibility  (and  it  was 
that)  of  this  acquirement  did  not 
altogether  destroy  our  happiness. 
Summer  and  autumn  slipped  away. 
The  Precious  Ones  grew  tall  and 
brown,  and  the  old  cares  and 
annoyances  of  apartment  life  trou 
bled  us  no  more. 

But  with  the  rigors  and  gloom 
and  wretchedness  of  winter  the 
charms  of  our  suburban  home 
were  less  apparent.  The  matter  of 
heat  became  a  serious  question,  and 
the  memory  of  steam  radiators  was 
a  haunting  one.  More  than  once 
the  Little  Woman  was  moved  to 
refer  to  our  "  cosy  little  apartment " 
of  the  winter  before.  Also,  the 
railway  station  seemed  farther 
away  through  a  dark  night  and  a 


Pursuing  the  Ideal.         83 

pouring  rain,  the  fields  were  gray 
and  sodden,  and  the  grasshoppers 
across  the  road  were  all  dead. 

We  did  not  admit  that  we  were 
dissatisfied.  In  fact,  we  said  so 
often  that  we  would  not  go  back 
to  the  city  to  live  that  no  one  could 
possibly  suspect  our  even  consider 
ing  such  a  thing. 

However,  we  went  in  that  direc 
tion  one  morning  when  we  set  out  for 
a  car  ride,  and  as  we  passed  the 
new  apartment  houses  of  Washing 
ton  Heights  we  found  ourselves 
regarding  them  with  something 
of  the  old-time  interest.  Of  course 
there  was  nothing  personal  in  this 
interest.  It  was  purely  professional, 
so  to  speak,  and  we  assured  each 
other  repeatedly  that  even  the  best 
apartment  (we  had  prospered  some 
what  in  the  world's  goods  by  this 
time  and  we  no  longer  spoke  of 
"flats")— that  even  the  best  "  apart- 


84         The   Van  Dwellers. 

ment,  then,  was  only  an  apart 
ment"  after  all,  which  is  true,  when 
you  come  to  think  of  it. 

Still,  there  certainly  were  attract 
ive  new  houses,  and  among  them 
appeared  to  be  some  of  a  different 
pattern  from  any  in  our  "  collec 
tion."  One  in  particular  attracted 
us,  and  a  blockade  of  cars  ahead 
just  then  gave  us  time  to  observe 
it  more  closely. 

There  were  ornamental  iron 
gates  at  the  front  entrance,  and 
there  was  a  spot  of  shells  and 
pebbles  next  the  pavement — almost 
a  touch  of  seashore,  and  altogether 
different  from  the  cheerless  welcome 
of  most  apartment  houses.  Then, 
of  course,  the  street  car  passing 
right  by  the  door  would  be  con 
venient 

The  blockade  ahead  showed  no 
sign  of  opening  that  we  could  see. 
By  silent  but  common  consent  we 


Pursuing  the  Ideal.         85 

rose  and  left  the  car.  Past  the 
little  plot  of  sea  beach,  through 
the  fancy  iron  gates,  up  to  the 
scarcely  finished,  daintily  decor 
ated,  latest  improved  apartment  we 
went,  conducted  by  a  dignified, 
newly-uniformed  colored  janitor, 
who  quoted  prices  and  inducements. 
I  looked  at  the  Little  Woman — 
she  looked  at  me.  Bach  saw 
that  the  other  was  thinking  of  the 
long,  hard  walk  from,  the  station 
on  dark,  wet  nights,  the  dead 
grasshoppers,  and  the  gray,  gloomy 
fields.  We  were  both  silent  all  the 
way  home,  remembering  the  iron 
gates,  the  clean  janitor,  the  spot  of 
shells,  and  a  beautiful  palm  that 
stood  in  the  vestibule.  We  were 
both  silent  and  we  were  thinking, 
but  we  did  not  move  until  nearly  a 
week  later. 


86         The  Van  Dwellers. 


VII. 

Owed  to  the  Moving  Man. 

WRITTEN  TO  GET  EVEN. 

HH  pledged   his    solemn  word 
for  ten, 
And  lo,  he  cometh  not  till 

noon — 
So  ready  his  excuses  then, 

We  wonder  why    he    came    so 

soon. 
He  whistles  while  our  goods  and 

gods 

He  storeth  in  his  mighty  van — 
No    lurking   sting    of   conscience 

prods 
The  happy-hearted  moving  man. 

Upon  the  pavement  in  a  row, 
Beneath  the  cruel  noonday  glare, 


Owed  to  the  Moving  Man.   87 

The  things  we  do  not  wish  to  show 
He  places,  and  he  leaves  them 

there. 

There  hour  by  hour  will  they  re 
main 

For  all  the  gaping  world  to  scan, 
The  while  we  coax  and  chide  in  vain 
The     careless-hearted     moving 
man. 

When    darkness    finds    our    poor 

array 

Like  drift  upon  a  barren  shore, 
Perchance  we  gaze  on  it  and  say 
With  vigor,  "  We  will  roam  no 

more !  " 
But  when  the  year  its  course  hath 

run, 

And  May  completes   the  rhyth 
mic  span, 

Again,  I  wot,  we'll  call  upon 
The  happy-hearted  moving  man. 


88          The   Van  D-wef/ers. 


VIII. 

Household  Retainers. 

IT  is  of  Rosa  that  I  would  speak 
now,  Rosa,  the  young  and  con 
suming  ;  and  of  Wilhelmine, 
the  reformer. 

Rosa  came  first  in  our  affections. 
It  was  during  our  first  period  of 
suburban  residence  that  she  became 
a  part  of  our  domestic  economy, 
though  on  second  thought  economy 
seems  hardly  the  word.  She  was 
tall,  and,  while  you  could  never 
have  guessed  it  to  look  into  her 
winsome,  gentle  face,  I  am  sure 
that  she  was  hollow  all  the  way 
down. 

When  I  first  gazed  upon  her  I 


Household  Retainers.        89 

wondered  why  one  so  young  (she 
was  barely  sixteen),  and  with  such 
delicacy  of  feature,  should  have 
been  given  feet  so  disproportionate 
in  size.  I  know  now  that  they 
were  mere  recesses,  and  that  it  was 
my  fate  for  the  time  being  to  fill, 
or  to  try  to  fill,  them. 

She  came  in  the  afternoon,  and 
when,  after  a  portion  of  the  roast 
had  been  devoted  to  the  Precious 
Ones  and  their  forbears,  and  an 
allotment  of  the  pudding  had  been 
issued  and  dallied  over,  Rosa  came 
on  and  literally  demolished  on  a 
dead  run  every  hope  of  to-morrow's 
stew,  or  hash,  or  a  "  between-meal  " 
for  the  Precious  Ones — licked  not 
only  the  platter,  but  the  vegetable 
dishes,  the  gravy  tureen,  the  bread 
board,  and  the  pudding  pan,  clean, 
so  to  speak. 

At  first  we  merely  smiled  indul 
gently  and  said  :  "  Poor  thing,  she 


90         The  Van  Dwellers. 

is  half  starved,  and  it  is  a  pleasure 
to  have  her  enjoy  a  good  meal. 
She  can't  keep  it  up,  of  course." 

But  this  was  simply  bad  judg 
ment.  At  daybreak  I  hastened  out 
for  a  new  invoice  of  bread  stuff  and 
market  supplies  in  order  to  provide 
for  immediate  wants.  Rosa  had 
rested  well  and  was  equal  to  the 
occasion.  When  I  returned  in  the 
evening  I  found  that  our  larder  had 
been  replenished  and  wrecked  twice 
during  my  absence.  The  Little 
Woman  had  a  driven,  hunted  look 
in  her  face,  while  Rosa  was  as  win 
some  and  gentle-featured,  as  sweet 
and  placid  in  her  consciousness  of 
well  being  and  doing,  as  a  cathedral 
saint.  In  fact,  it  always  seemed  to 
me  that  she  never  looked  so  like  a 
madonna  as  she  did  immediately 
after  destroying  the  better  part  of 
a  two-dollar  roast  and  such  other 
trifles  as  chanced  to  be  within  reach 


ROSA. 


Household  Retainers.        91 

in  the  hour  of  her  strong  require 
ments. 

And  these  things  she  could  do 
seven  days  in  the  week  and  as  many 
times  during  each  twenty-four 
hours  as  opportunity  yielded  to  her 
purpose.  We  were  hopeful  for 
days  that  it  was  only  a  temporary 
disaster,  and  that  we  would  event 
ually  get  her  filled  up,  shoes  and 
all. 

But  days  became  weeks  and 
weeks  gathered  themselves  into 
months.  Each  morning  Rosa 
came  up  winsome  and  glad  to  be 
alive — fresh  as  the  dew  on  the 
currant  bushes  and  ravenous  as  a 
Mohammedan  at  the  end  of  Rama 
dan. 

It  was  no  use.  We  gave  it  up  at 
last,  and  merely  concerned  our 
selves  with  getting  sufficient  unto 
the  day  and  moment. 

But  there  was   another  side  to 


92         The   Van  Dwellers. 

Rosa.  She  was  willing  to  take 
counsel,  in  the  matter  of  her  labors, 
and  profit  by  it.  Also  she  had  no 
particular  aversion  to  work,  and  she 
was  beloved  of  the  Precious  Ones. 
It  is  true  she  had  no  special  re 
gard  for  the  fragility  of  queens- 
ware,  but  care  in  these  matters  is 
not  expected  even  of  old  retainers  ; 
while  Rosa,  as  I  have  said,  was  in 
the  flower  of  youth. 

It  was  not  without  regret,  there 
fore,  that  we  found  she  could  not 
accompany  us  to  the  city.  Her 
people  did  not  wish  her  to  become 
a  part  of  the  great  metropolis  in 
early  youth,  and  were  willing  to  do 
the  best  they  could  with  her  appetite 
at  home  until  another  near-by 
source  of  supplies  could  be  found. 
So  it  was  that  Rosa  passed  out  of 
our  fortunes  when  we  gave  up  sub 
urban  life  and  became  dwellers  in 
the  Monte  Cristo  apartments. 


Household  Retainers.        93 

It  was  then  that  Wilhelmine 
came.  The  Little  Woman's  brother 
Tom  was  to  abide  with  us  for  a  sea 
son,  and  it  seemed  necessary  to  have 
somebody.  I  suggested  that  any 
employment  bureau  could  doubt 
less  supply  us  with  just  what  we 
needed,  and  the  Little  Woman 
went  down  to  see. 

I  have  never  known  exactly  what 
her  experiences  were  there,  though 
she  has  done  her  best  to  tell  me. 
Her  account  lacked  lucidity  and 
connection,  but  from  what  I  can 
gather  piecemeal,  she  did  not  en 
joy  herself. 

However,  the  experiment  result 
ed  in  something — a  very  old  Ger 
man  individual  in  a  short  dress, 
stout  of  person,  and  no  Bnglish 
worth  mentioning.  She  came  on  us 
like  a  cyclone,  and  her  speech  was 
as  a  spring  torrent  in  volume.  I 
happened  to  know  one  or  two  Ger- 


94         The  Van  Dwellers. 

man  words,  and  when  incautiously 
I  chanced  to  let  her  have  a  look  at 
them  she  seized  niy  hand  and  did 
a  skirt  dance.  Then  presently  she 
ran  out  into  the  kitchen,  took  every 
thing  from  every  shelf,  and  re 
arranged  the  articles  in  a  manner 
adapted  to  the  uses  of  nothing 
human. 

This  was  the  beginning,  and  re 
lentlessly  she  pursued  her  course, 
backed  up  by  a  lifetime  of  experi 
ence,  and  the  strong  German  tra 
ditions  of  centuries. 

The  entire  household  was  re 
organized  under  her  regime.  The 
Little  Woman  and  the  Precious 
Ones  were  firmly  directed,  and  I 
was  daily  called  to  account  in  a 
mixture  of  high-geared  German  and 
splintered  English  that  was  fairly 
amazing  in  its  quantity. 

Nothing  was  so  trivial  as  to  es 
cape  Wilhelmine.  Like  all  great 


Household  Retainers.        95 

generals,  she  regarded  even  the 
minutest  details  as  important,  and 
I  was  handled  with  no  less  severity 
for  cutting  an  extra  slice  of  bread 
than  for  investing  in  a  new  rug 
for  the  front  room.  For,  let  it  be 
said  now,  Wilhelmine  was  eco 
nomical  and  abhorred  waste.  Nei 
ther  did  she  break  the  crockery, 
and,  unlike  Rosa,  she  did  not  eat. 
She  was  no  longer  young  and  grow 
ing,  and  the  necessity  of  coaling- 
up  every  hour  or  two  seemed  to 
have  gone  by. 

But,  alas !  we  would  have  pre 
ferred  beautiful,  young,  careless, 
larder-wrecking  Rosa  to  Wilhel 
mine,  the  reformer.  We  would 
have  welcomed  her  with  joy,  and 
surreptitiously  in  whispers  we 
hatched  plots  to  rid  ourselves  of 
the  tyrant.  Once  I  even  went  so  far 
as  to  rebel  and  battle  with  her  in  the 
very  sanctity  of  the  kitchen  itself. 


96         The  Van  Dwellers. 

Not  that  Wilhelmine  could  not 
cook.  In  her  own  German  cab- 
bage-and-onion  way  she  was  re 
sourceful,  and  the  house  reeked 
with  her  combinations  until  strong 
men  shed  tears,  and  even  the  jani 
tor  hurried  by  our  door  with  bowed 
head.  I  never  questioned  her  abil 
ity  to  cook,  but  in  the  matter  of 
coffee  she  was  hopeless.  In  the 
best  German  I  could  muster  I  told 
her  so.  I  told  her  so  several  times, 
so  that  it  could  sink  in.  I  said  it 
over  forward  and  backward  and  side 
ways,  in  order  to  get  the  verbs 
right,  and  when  she  was  through 
denouncing  me  I  said  that  I  would 
give  her  an  object  lesson  in  mak 
ing  coffee  in  a  French  pot. 

I  am  sure  now  that  this  was  a 
mistake — that  German  blood  could 
stand  almost  anything  in  the  world 
better  than  a  French  coffeepot, 
but  at  the  time  I  did  not  recall 


Household  Retainers.        97 

the  affairs  and  animosities  of  na 
tions. 

I  had  other  things  to  think  of.  I 
was  employed  in  the  delicate  opera 
tion  of  extracting  amber  nectar 
by  a  tedious  dripping  process, 
and  simultaneously  engaging  with 
a  rapid-fire  German  at  short  range. 
I  understood  very  little  of  what 
she  said,  and  what  I  did  gather 
was  not  complimentary.  I  fired  a 
volley  or  two  at  last  myself,  and 
then  retreated  in  good  order  bear 
ing  the  coffee-pot. 

The  coffee  was  a  success,  but  it 
was  obtained  at  too  great  a  risk. 
That  night  we  wrote  to  Rosa  and 
to  her  mother.  We  got  no  reply, 
and,  after  days  of  anxious  waiting^ 
the  I/ittle  Woman  went  out  to  dis 
cuss  the  situation  in  person.  But 
the  family  had  moved,  and  there 
had  been  a  very  heavy  snow.  The 
Little  Woman  waded  about  nearly 
7 


The  Van  Dwellers. 


all  day  in  pursuit  of  the  new  ad 
dress.  She  learned  it  at  last,  but  it 
was  too  late  then  to  go  any  farther, 
so  she  came  home  and  wrote  again, 
only  to  get  no  reply.  Then  I  tried 
my  hand  in  the  matter  as  fol 
lows  : — 

LINES  TO  ROSA  IN  ABSENCE. 

Lady  Rosa  Vere  de  Smith, 

Leave  your  kin  and  leave  your  kith  ; 

Life  without  you  is  a  mockery ; 

Come  once  more  and  rend  our  crockery. 

Lady  Rosa  Vere  de  Smith, 

Life  for  us  has  lost  its  pith ; 

You  taught  us  how  to  prize  you  thus, 

And  now  you  will  not  bide  with  us. 

Lady  Rosa  Vere  de  Smith, 
Have  we  no  voice  to  reach  you  with  ? 
Come  once  more  and  wreck  our  larder  ; 
We  will  welcome  you  with  ardor. 

I  could  have  written  more  of  this, 
perhaps,  and  I  still  believe  it  would 
have  proved  effective,  but  when  I 


Household  Retainers.        99 

read  aloud  as  far  as  written,  the 
Little  Woman  announced  that  she 
would  rather  do  without  Rosa  for 
ever  than  to  let  a  thing  like  that 
go  through  the  mails.  So  it  was 
suppressed,  and  Rosa  was  lost  to 
us,  I  fear,  for  all  time. 

But  Providence  had  not  entirely 
forgotten  us,  though  its  \vays  as 
usual  were  inscrutable.  Wilhel- 
mine,  it  seems,  locked  herself 
nightly  in  her  room,  and  the  locks 
being  noiseless  in  the  Monte  Cristo 
apartments  she  could  not  realize 
when  the  key  turned  that  she  was 
really  safely  barred  in.  Hence  it 
seems  she  continued  to  twist  at 
the  key  which,  being  of  a  slender 
pattern,  was  one  night  wrenched 
apart  and  Wilhelmine,  alas !  was 
only  too  surely  fortified  in  her 
stronghold.  When  she  realized 
this  she,  of  course,  became  wildly 
vociferous. 


ioo       The  Van  Dwellers. 

I  heard  the  outburst  and  hasten 
ing  back  found  her  declaring  that 
she  was  lost  without  a  doubt. 
That  the  house  would  certainly 
catch  fire  before  she  was  released 
and  that  she  would  be  burned  like 
a  rat  in  a  trap. 

I  called  to  her  reassuringly,  but 
it  did  no  good.  Then  I  climbed  up 
on  a  chair  set  on  top  of  a  table, 
and  observed  her  over  the  transom. 
She  had  her  wardrobe  tied  in  a 
bundle  all  ready  for  the  fire  wrhich 
she  assured  me  was  certain  to 
come,  though  how  she  hoped  to 
get  her  wardrobe  out  when  she 
could  not  get  herself  out,  or  of 
what  use  it  would  be  to  her  after 
wards  was  not  clear. 

It  was  useless  to  persuade  her 
to  go  to  bed  and  let  me  get  a  lock 
smith  in  the  morning.  I  was  con 
vinced  that  she  would  carry-on  all 
night  like  a  forgotten  dachshund^ 


Household  Retainers.      I  o  i 

unless  she  was  released.  It  was 
too  late  to  find  a  locksmith  and  I 
did  not  wish  to  take  the  janitor 
into  the  situation. 

I  got  a  screw-driver  and  handed 
it  over  to  her  telling  her  to  unscrew 
the  lock.  But  by  this  time  she 
had  reached  a  state  where  she  did 
not  know  one  end  of  the  imple 
ment  from  another.  She  merely 
looked  at  it  helplessly  and  contin 
ued  to  leap  about  and  bewail  her 
fate  loudly  and  in  mixed  tongues. 

I  saw  at  last  that  I  must  climb 
over  the  transom.  It  was  small, 
and  I  am  a  large  man.  I  looked  at 
the  size  of  it  and  then  considered 
my  height  and  shoulder  measure. 
Then  I  made  the  effort. 

I  could  not  go  through  feet  first, 
and  to  go  through  a  transom  head 
first  is  neither  dignified  or  exhilarat 
ing.  When  I  was  something  more 
than  half  through  I  pawed  about 


IO2       The   Van  Dwellers. 

in  the  air  head  down  in  a  vain 
effort  to  reach  a  little  chiffonier  in 
Wilhelmine's  room. 

She  watched  me  with  interest  to 
see  how  near  I  could  come  to  it,  and 
by  some  mental  process  it  dawned 
upon  her  at  last  that  she  could  help 
matters  by  pushing  it  toward  me. 
Having  reached  this  conclusion  the 
rest  was  easy,  for  she  was  as  strong 
as  an  ox  and  swung  the  furniture 
toward  me  like  a  toy. 

Five  minutes  later  I  had  un 
screwed  the  lock  and  Wilhelmine 
was  free.  So  were  we,  for  when  I 
threw  the  lock  into  a  drawer  with  a 
few  choice  German  remarks  which 
I  had  been  practising  for  just  such 
an  emergency,  Wilhelmine  seized 
upon  her  bundles,  already  packed, 
and,  vowing  that  she  would  abide  in 
no  place  where  she  could  not  lie 
down  in  the  security  of  strong  and 
hard  twisting  keys,  she  disappeared, 


Household  Retainers.      103 

strewing  the  stairway  with  Ger 
man  verbs  and  expletives  in  her 
departure. 

We  saw  her  no  more,  and  in  two 
weeks,  by  constant  airing,  we  had 
our  culinary  memories  of  her  re 
duced  to  such  a  degree  that  the 
flat  on  the  floor  above  found  a  ten 
ant,  and  carbolic  acid  was  no  long 
er  needed  in  the  halls. 


104       The  Van  Dwellers. 


IX. 

Ann. 

^ 

AND  now  came  Ann,  Ann,  the 
Hibernian  and  the  minstrel. 
During  the  first  week  of  her 
abode  with  us  she  entertained  us 
at  dinner  by  singing  a  weird  Irish 
love  ballad  and  so  won  our  hearts 
that  the  Little  Woman  decided  to 
take  the  Precious  Ones  for  a  brief 
visit  to  homes  and  firesides  in  the 
Far  West,  leaving  her  Brother 
Tom  and  myself  in  Ann's  charge. 
When  she  went  awray  she  beamed 
upon  Tom  and  me  and  said,  reassur 
ingly,  "  Ann  will  take  good  care  of 
you  all  right.  We  were  fortunate 
to  secure  a  girl  like  Ann  on  such 
short  notice.  Get  your  lunches 


Ann.  105 

outside  sometimes  ;  that  will  please 
her."  Then  she  and  the  Precious 
Ones  kissed  us  both,  the  bell  rang 
and  they  were  gone. 

My  brother-in-law  and  I  were 
doing  what  we  referred  to  as  "  our 
book  "  at  this  time,  and  were  in 
terested  to  the  point  of  absorption. 
Ann  the  Hibernian  therefore  had 
the  household — at  least,  the  back  of 
the  household — pretty  much  to  her 
self. 

I  do  not  know  just  when  the 
falling  off  did  begin.  We  were 
both  very  much  taken  up  with  our 
work.  But  when,  one  morning,  I 
happened  to  notice  that  it  was  a 
quarter  of  twelve  when  we  sat  down 
to  a  breakfast  of  stale  bread  and 
warmed-over  coffee,  it  occurred  to 
me  that  there  was  a  hitch  some 
where  in  our  system. 

That  evening,  when  it  got  too 
dark  to  work,  I  arose  and  drifted 


106       The  Van  Dwellers. 

out  to  the  kitchen,  perhaps  with 
some  idea  of  being  hungry,  and  a 
mild  curiosity  to  know  when  dinner 
might  be  expected.  There  was  an 
air  of  desolation  about  the  place 
that  seemed  strange,  and  an  odor 
that  seemed  familiar.  Like  a 
hound  on  the  trail  I  followed  the 
latter  straight  on  through  the 
kitchen,  to  the  servants'  room  at 
the  back.  The  door  was  ajar,  and 
the  mystery  was  solved.  Our 
noble  Ann  had  fallen  prey  to  the 
cup  that  yearly  sweeps  thousands 
into  unhonored  graves. 

We  went  out  for  dinner,  and  the 
next  morning  we  got  our  own  eggs 
and  coffee.  When  our  minion  re 
gained  consciousness  we  reviled  her 
and  cast  her  out. 

We  said  we  would  get  our  own 
meals.  We  had  camped  out  to 
gether  and  taken  turns  at  the  cook 
ing.  We  would  camp  out  now  in 


Ann.  107 

the  flat.  We  were  quite  elated 
with  the  idea,  and  out  of  the  ful 
ness  of  our  freedom  gave  Ann  a 
dollar  and  a  little  bracer  out  of  some 
"  private  stock."  Ann  declared  we 
were  "  pairfect  gintlemen,"  and  for 
the  first  time  seemed  sorry  to  go. 

Both  being  eager  to  get  back  to 
our  work  after  breakfast,  neither 
of  us  referred  to  the  dirty  dishes, 
and  I  did  not  remember  them  again 
until  dinner  time.  Tom  got  into 
a  tangle  with  our  heroine  about 
one  o'clock,  and  said  he  would  get 
the  lunch  by  way  of  relaxation.  I 
presume  he  relaxed  sufficiently 
without  attending  to  the  plates. 
At  least,  I  found  them  untouched 
when  I  went  out  to  look  after  the 
dinner. 

I  discovered,  also,  that  the  lavish 
Tom  had  exhausted  the  commis 
sary  to  achieve  the  lunch.  I  was 
obliged,  therefore,  to  go  at  once  to 


io8       The  Van  Dwellers. 

the  grocery,  and  on  the  way  made 
up  a  mental  list  of  the  things  easi 
est  to  prepare.  I  would  get  canned 
things,  I  said,  as  many  of  these 
were  ready  for  the  table,  and  some 
of  them  could  be  eaten  out  of  the 
can.  This  would  save  dishes.  I 
do  not  recall  now  just  what  I  had 
planned  as  my  bill  of  fare,  but  I  sup 
pose  I  must  have  forgotten  some  of 
it  when  I  learned  that  our  grocer 
was  closing  out  his  stock  of  wet 
goods  very  cheap,  for  Tom  looked 
at  the  stuff  when  it  came  and  asked 
if  I  thought  of  running  a  bar.  I 
said  I  had  bought  with  a  view  to 
saving  dishes.  Then  he  hunted 
up  the  cork-screw  and  we  dined. 

In  spite  of  my  superior  manage 
ment,  however,  the  dish  pile  in  the 
kitchen  sink  grew  steadily. 

On  the  morning  of  the  third  day 
the  china  closet  was  exhausted,  and 
we  took  down  the  Little  Woman's 


Ann.  1 09 

Crown  Derby  and  blue  India  plates 
from  their  hangers  in  the  parlor. 

On  the  evening  of  the  fourth 
day  Tom  got  our  work  into  an  in 
extricable  tangle,  and  took  a  re 
flective  stroll  out  into  the  kitchen. 
He  came  back  looking  hopelessly 
discouraged.  On  the  fifth  morn 
ing  we  followed  Ann's  example. 

The  atmosphere  suddenly  cleared 
now.  We  reached  conclusions 
by  amazingly  short  cuts,  and 
our  troubles  vanished  like  the 
dew  of  morning.  The  next  day 
would  be  Sunday.  We  would  go 
into  the  country  for  recreation. 
To-night  we  would  put  a  line  in 
the  paper  and  on  Monday  morning 
we  would  have  another  servant.  It 
seemed  hardly  worth  our  while  to 
attempt  to  camp  out  permanently. 

I  will  pass  over  Sunday  without 
further  comment.  The  recollection 
is  weird  and  extravagant.  I  re- 


1 1  o       The  Van  Jewellers. 

member  being  surprised  at  finding 
certain  stretches  of  pavement  per 
pendicular,  and  of  trying  to  climb 
them.  Still  we  must  have  got  a  line 
in  the  paper  on  Saturday  night,  for 
on  Monday  the  bell  began  ringing 
violently  before  we  were  up.  Tom 
either  did  not  hear  it,  or  was  wilful 
ly  unconscious.  Finally  I  got  up 
wretchedly  and  dragged  on  some 
garments.  There  was  no  ice,  so  I 
pressed  my  head  for  a  few  minutes 
to  a  marble-topped  center  table. 

I  suppose  it  was  because  I  did 
not  feel  very  bright  that  the  voices 
of  my  guests  were  not  restful  to 
me.  I  was  almost  irritated  by  one 
shrill-voiced  creature  who  insisted 
on  going  through  every  room, 
even  to  our  study.  Her  tone  was 
dictatorial  and  severe.  Still  I 
might  have  retained  her  had  she 
not  commented  disagreeably  on  the 
dishes  in  the  kitchen  sink. 


Ann.  iii 

One  after  another  they  followed 
her  example.  Every  woman  of 
them  began  to  make  excuses  and 
back  away  when  she  looked  at  that 
unwashed  china.  Most  of  them 
perjured  themselves  with  the 
statement  that  they  had  come 
to  see  about  a  place  for  another 
girl. 

After  the  initial  lot  they  scat 
tered  along  through  the  forenoon. 
Tom  had  got  up,  meantime,  and 
was  leaning  on  the  front  window- 
sill  watching  hungrily  for  the  ice 
man. 

In  the  midst  of  this  anguish  the 
bell  rang  once  more,  timidly  and 
with  evident  hesitation,  and  a 
moment  later  I  feebly  opened  the 
door  to  admit — Ann  ! 

She  was  neatly  dressed,  as  when 
she  had  first  come  to  us,  and  there 
were  other  gratifying  indications 
of  reform. 


1 1  2       The  Van    "Dwellers. 

"  Sure  an'  I  .saw  your  advertise 
ment,"  she  began,  humbly,  "  an'  I 
thought  two  such  gintlemen  as 
yerselves  moight  not  be  too  hard  on 
a  daycent  woman  who  only  takes  a 
drop  or  two  now  an'  then " 

I  led  her  back  to  the  kitchen  and 
pointed  to  the  sink.  As  we  passed 
through  the  dining-room  she  no 
ticed  the  empty  bottles  on  the 
table  and  crossed  herself.  When 
she  looked  at  the  kitchen  sink  she 
exclaimed,  "  Holy  Mary  !  "  But 
she  did  not  desert  us.  Her  charity 
was  greater  than  ours. 

I  went  in  to  tell  Tom  of  the  ren 
ovation  and  general  reform  that 
was  about  to  begin.  He  had  just 
succeeded  in  hailing  the  ice-man 
and  was  feeling  better.  When  I 
went  back  into  the  kitchen  there 
was  a  wash-boiler  of  water  heating 
on  the  range. 

Just  then  the  postman  whistled 


Ann.  1 1 3 

and    brought    a    letter   from   the 
Little  Woman. 

"  I  have  decided  to  stay  a  week 
longer  than  I  intended,"  she  wrote. 
"  It  is  so  pleasant  here,  and  Ann,  I 
am  sure,  is  taking  good  care  of  you." 
We  had  a  confidential  under 
standing  with  Ann  that  night. 
She  remained  with  us  a  year  after 
ward,  and  during  that  time  the 
sacred  trust  formed  by  the  three  of 
us  was  not  betrayed. 
8 


1 1 4       The   Van  Dwellers. 


X. 

A  "Flat"  Failure. 

IN  the  Monte  Cristo  apartments 
it  would  seem  that  we  had 
found  harbor  at  last.  Days 
ran  into  \veeks,  weeks  to  months, 
and  these  became  a  year,  at  length 
— the  first  we  had  passed  under 
any  one  roof.  Then  there  came 
a  change.  The  house  was  not  so 
well  built  as  it  had  appeared,  and 
with  the  beginning  of  decay  there 
came  also  a  change  of  landlord  and 
janitor.  Our  spruce  and  not  un 
worthy  colored  man  was  replaced 
by  one  Thomas,  who  was  no  less 
spruce,  indeed,  but  as  much  more 
severe  in  his  discipline  as  his  good- 
natured  employer  was  lax  in  the 
matter  of  needed  repairs. 


A  "  Flat"   Failure.       115 

Bvery  evening,  at  length,  when 
we  gathered  about  the  dinner  table, 
the  Little  Woman  recited  to  me  the 
story  of  her  day's  wrongs.  They 
were  many  and  various,  but  they 
may  be  summed  up  in  the  two 
words — janitor  and  landlord.  The 
arrogance  of  one  and  the  negli 
gence  of  the  other  were  rapidly  mak 
ing  life  in  the  Monte  Cristo  apart 
ments  insupportable.  Of  course 
there  were  minor  annoyances — 
the  children  across  the  hall,  for 
instance,  and  the  maid  in  the 
kitchen — but  these  faded  into  in 
significance  when  contrasted  with 
the  leaky  plumbing,  sagging  doors, 
rattling  windows  and  the  like  on 
the  part  of  Mr.  Griffin,  the  landlord, 
and  new  arbitrary  rulings  concern 
ing  the  supply  of  steam  for  the 
parlor,  coal  for  the  kitchen  range, 
the  taking  away  of  refuse,  and  the 
austere  stairway  restrictions  iin- 


1 1 6       The  Van  Dwellers. 

posed  upon  our  Precious  Ones  on 
the  part  of  Thomas,  the  janitor. 

It  is  true  the  landlord  was  not 
over-exacting  in  the  matter  of  rent, 
and  when  he  came  about,  which 
was  not  often,  would  promise  any 
thing  and  everything  with  the 
greatest  good-will  in  the  world, 
while  Thomas  kept  the  front  steps 
and  halls  in  a  condition  which  was 
really  better  than  we  had  been 
used  to,  or  than  the  rent  schedule 
would  ordinarily  justify.  But  the 
good-will  of  the  landlord  usually 
went  no  farther  than  his  ready 
promises,  while  the  industry  of 
Thomas  was  overshadowed  by  his 
gloomy  discipline  and  haughty 
severity,  which  presently  made 
him,  if  not  the  terror,  certainly  the 
awe,  of  Monte  Cristo  dwellers. 
We  had  not  minded  this  so  much, 
however,  until  when  one  day  the 
Precious  Ones  paused  on  the  stair 


A  "Flat"   Failure.       117 

a  moment  to  rest,  as  was  their  wont, 
and  were  perhaps  even  laughing  in 
their  childish  and  musical  way, 
Thomas,  who  had  now  been  with 
us  some  three  months  or  more, 
appeared  suddenly  from  some  con 
cealed  lurking-place  and  ordered 
them  to  their  own  quarters,  with  a 
warning  against  a  repetition  of  the 
offense  that  seemed  unduly  somber. 
It  frightened  the  Precious  Ones  so 
thoroughly  that  they  were  almost 
afraid  to  pass  through  the  halls 
alone  next  day,  and  came  and  went 
quite  on  a  run,  looking  neither  to 
the  right  nor  to  the  left. 

It  was  then  that  we  said  we  would 
go.  Of  course,  moving  was  not 
pleasant ;  we  had  enough  memories 
in  that  line  already,  though  time 
had  robbed  them  of  their  bitterness, 
I  suppose,  for  we  grew  quite  cheer 
ful  over  the  idea  of  seeking  a  new 
abiding-place,  and  it  being  Sunday, 


1 1 8       The  Van  Dwellers. 

began  looking  over  the  advertise 
ment  columns  immediately  after 
breakfast.  I  would  make  a  list,  I 
said,  and  stop  in  here  and  there  to 
investigate  on  the  way  to  and  from 
business.  We  would  get  nearer 
to  business,  for  one  thing,  also 
nearer  the  car-line.  We  would 
have  a  lighter  flat,  too,  and  we 
would  pay  less  for  it.  We  agreed 
upon  these  things  almost  instantly. 
Then  we  began  putting  down  ad 
dresses.  It  was  surprising  how 
many  good,  cheap  places  there 
seemed  to  be  now.  So  many  new 
houses  had  been  built  since  our  last 
move.  We  regretted  openly  to  each 
other  that  we  had  not  gone  before. 
Then  we  rested  a  little  to  find 
fault  with  our  quarters.  We  dug 
over  all  the  old  things,  and  un 
earthed  a  lot  of  new  and  hither 
to  concealed  wretchedness  that 
was  altogether  disheartening.  We 


A  "Flat"   Failure.      119 

would  move  at  once,  we  said. 
Now !  This  week  ! 

Perhaps  I  seemed  a  trifle  less 
cheerful  when  I  returned  next 
evening.  The  Little  Woman  must 
have  noticed  it,  I  suppose,  for  she 
asked  if  I  wasn't  well.  I  said  that 
I  was  tired,  which  was  true.  I 
added  that  a  good  many  landlords 
were  unscrupulous  in  the  matter 
of  advertising,  which  I  can  take  an 
oath  is  also  true.  I  had  left  the 
office  early  and  investigated  a  num 
ber  of  the  apartments  on  my  list, 
at  the  expense  of  some  nerve-tissue 
and  considerable  car-fare.  The 
advertisements  had  been  more  or 
less  misleading.  The  Little  Wom 
an  said  that  in  the  morning  she 
would  go. 

The  Little  Woman  herself  looked 
tired  the  next  evening — more  tired 
and  several  years  older  than  I  had 
ever  seen  her  look.  She  had 


I2O       The  Van  Dwellers. 

walked  a  good  many  miles — steep 
stair  miles  which  are  trying.  In 
the  end  she  had  arrived  only  at 
the  conclusion  that  the  best  apart 
ments  were  not  advertised.  She 
said  it  would  be  better  to  select  the 
locality  we  preferred  and  walk  lei 
surely  about  the  good  streets  until 
we  spied  something  attractive.  She 
wished  we  might  do  so  together. 

I  took  a  holiday  and  we  pursued 
this  programme.  Like  birds  seek 
ing  a  new  nesting-place  we  flitted 
hither  and  thither,  alighting  where 
soever  the  perch  seemed  inviting. 
We  alighted  in  many  places,  but 
in  most  of  them  we  tarried  but 
briefly.  It  was  not  that  the  apart 
ments  were  inattractive — they  were 
almost  irresistible,  some  of  them, 
but  even  hasty  reflection  convinced 
me  that  it  would  be  inadvisable  to 
invest  ninety-five  per  cent  of  my 
salary  each  month  in  rent  unless  I 
could  be  altogether  certain  that  the 


A  "  F/at"   Failure.      121 

Little  Woman  and  the  Precious 
Ones  could  modify  their  appetites 
and  remain  quite  well. 

Being  enthusiastic  at  first,  we 
examined  some  of  these  apartments 
and  the  Little  Woman  acquired 
credit  in  my  eyes  as  we  proceeded. 
I  did  not  realize  until  now  the  prog 
ress  she  had  made  since  the  day  of 
our  arrival  in  Gotham  nearly  four 
years  previous.  Her  education 
was  complete — she  was  a  graduate 
in  the  great  school  of  flat-life,  and 
was  contemplating  a  post-graduate 
course.  Figures  that  made  me 
gasp  and  sustain  myself  by  the 
silver-mounted  plumbing  left  her 
quite  undisturbed.  From  her  man 
ner  you  would  suppose  that  it 
was  only  the  desirability  of  the 
apartment  itself  that  was  worth 
consideration.  She  criticised  the 
arrangement  of  the  rooms  and  the 
various  appointments  with  an  air  of 
real  consequence,  while  the  janitor 


122       The  Van  Dwellers. 

and  I  followed  her  about,  humble 
and  unimportant,  wondering  how  we 
could  ever  have  imagined  the  place 
suitable  to  her  requirements. 

In  one  place  where  the  rent  was 
twenty-four  hundred  it  seemed  al 
most  impossible  to  find  fault.  I  be 
gan  to  be  frightened  for  the  Little 
Woman,  in  the  thought  that  now, 
after  all,  she  really  would  be 
obliged  to  confess  that  the  little 
trifle  of  eighteen  hundred  dollars  a 
year  more  than  we  could  possibly 
pay  rendered  the  place  undesirable. 
But  a  moment  later  I  realized  how 
little  I  knew  her.  When  we  got 
to  the  kitchen  she  remarked, 
passively,  there  was  no  morning 
sun  in  the  windows.  As  the  apart 
ment  faced  east,  and  there  was 
morning  sun  in  the  parlor,  this 
condition  seemed  more  or  less 
normal,  as  the  janitor  meekly 
pointed  out.  But  the  Little  Woman 


A  "  Flat  Failure"        123 

declared  she  would  never  live  in 
another  place  where  the  kitchen 
was  dark  mornings,  and  turned 
away,  leaving  the  janitor  scratching 
his  head  over  the  problem  of  mak 
ing  the  sun  shine  from  two  direc 
tions  at  once  and  remaining  in  that 
position  all  day  long. 

Still  it  was  a  narrow  escape,  and 
we  were  consuming  time.  So  we 
contented  ourselves  after  that  with 
merely  inquiring  the  size  and  price 
of  the  apartment  of  the  hall-boy, 
and  passing  on.  Even  this  grew 
monotonous  at  length,  and  we 
gradually  drifted  into  the  outer 
edges  of  the  chosen  district,  and 
from  the  outer  edges  into  that 
Section  wherein  we  had  made  our 
first  beginning  nearly  four  years 
before,  the  great  wilderness  lying 
north  of  One  Hundred  and  Six 
teenth  Street.  Then  we  began 
work  in  earnest.  We  looked 


1  24       The   Van  Dwellers. 

at  light  apartments  and  dark  apart 
ments — apartments  on  every  floor, 
even  to  the  basement.  Though 
many  changes  had  taken  place  it 
carried  us  back  to  the  day  of  our 
first  experience,  and  set  us  to 
wondering  if  we  really  had  learned 
anything  after  all. 

We  saw  apartments  that  we  would 
not  have,  and  apartments  which, 
because  of  our  Precious  Ones,  would 
not  have  us.  Apartments  that 
ran  straight  through  the  house, 
apartments  that,  running  down 
one  side  of  the  house  and  back  on 
the  other,  solved  in  a  manner  the 
Little  Woman's  problem  of  having 
sunlight  in  both  ends  of  the  house 
at  one  time. 

It  was  one  of  these  last  that  we 
took.  The  building,  which  was 
comparatively  new,  was  located  in 
the  middle  of  the  block,  on  a  little 
square  bit  of  ground,  and  had  on 


A  "Flat  Failure."        125 

each  floor  a  cozy  octagonal  hall 
with  one  apartment  running  en 
tirely  around  it.  The  entrance 
steps  and  halls  were  not  as  unsul 
lied  as  those  of  our  present  habitat, 
but  the  janitor  was  a  good-natured 
soul  who  won  us  at  first  glance, 
and  who  seemed  on  terms  of  the 
greatest  amity  with  a  small  boy 
who  lived  on  the  first  landing  and 
accompanied  us  through.  We  saw 
also  that  the  plumbing  was  in 
praiseworthy  condition,  and  the 
doors  swung  easily  on  their  hinges. 
To  be  sure,  the  price  was  a  trifle 
more  than  we  were  paying  in  our 
present  apartment,  and  the  location 
was  somewhat  farther  from  busi 
ness  ;  but  we  said  that  a  few  blocks 
more  or  less  were  really  nothing 
when  one  was  once  on  the  car, 
which  was  almost  as  near  as  at  the 
old  place,  and  we  figured  that  the 
slight  difference  in  rent  we  could 


126       The  Van  Dwellers. 

save  in  the  gas-bill,  though  I  had 
a  lingering  suspicion  that  to  strike 
a  general  average  of  light  in  the 
two  places  would  be  to  cast  but 
slight  reflection  on  either. 

The  janitor  was  the  main  thing 
— the  good-natured  janitor  and  the 
landlord.  We  could  even  put  up 
with  slight  drawbacks  for  the  sake 
of  an  apartment  in  good  condition 
and  the  companionable  soul  down 
stairs.  Then,  too,  we  were  foot 
sore  in  flesh  and  spirit,  and  after 
the  day's  experiences  welcomed  this 
haven  as  a  genuine  discovery. 
We  went  home  really  gratified, 
though  I  confess  our  old  nest  ha(£ 
never  seemed  more  inviting. 

I  will  touch  but  lightly  upon 
the  next  few  days.  I  would  rather 
forget  the  atmosphere  of  squalor 
and  destitution  that  pervaded  our 
household  when  the  carpets  had 
been  stripped  up  and  we  were  stum- 


A  "Flat  Fai/ure."        127 

bling  about  among  half-packed  bar 
rels  upon  bare,  resounding  floors. 
I  do  not  seek  to  retrace  in  detail 
the  process  of  packing,  which  began 
with  some  buoyancy  and  system, 
to  degenerate  at  last  in  its  end 
lessness  into  dropping  things  me 
chanically  and  hopelessly  into 
whatever  receptacle  came  first  to 
hand.  I  do  not  wish  to  renew  the 
moments  of  vehemence  and  exas 
peration  when  our  Precious  Ones, 
who  really  seemed  to  enjoy  it  all, 
clattered  about  among  the  debris,  or 
the  vague  appreciation  of  suicide 
that  was  born  within  me  when,  in 
the  midst  of  my  despair,  the  Little 
Woman  suggested  that  after  all  she 
was  afraid  we  were  making  a  mis 
take  in  leaving  our  little  home 
where  we  had  been  happy  so  long ; 
also  that  we  moved  too  often,  an 
unusual  statement  considering  the 
fact  that  we  had  been  there  for  more 


128       The  Van  T)wellers. 

than  a  year.  I  told  her  that  she 
reminded  me  of  my  mother,  who 
daily  rated  my  father  for  keeping 
them  poor,  moving,  they  having 
moved  twice  in  thirty-eight  years. 
I  added  that  I  had  seen  my  mother 
publicly  denounce  my  father  for 
having  left  out  a  broken  stew-pot 
when  they  moved  the  last  time, 
some  twenty  years  before. 

I  will  not  review  these  things 
fully,  nor  will  I  recall,  except  in  the 
briefest  manner,  the  usual  perfidi- 
ousness  of  the  moving-man,  who,  as 
heretofore,  came  two  hours  late,  and 
then  arranged  upon  the  pavement 
all  the  unbeauteous  articles  of  our 
household,  leaving  them  bare  and 
wretched  in  the  broad  light  of  day 
while  he  thrust  into  the  van  the 
pieces  of  which  we  were  j  ustly  proud. 

I  will  also  skim  but  lightly  over 
the  days  devoted  to  getting  settled. 
I  sent  word  to  the  office  that  I  was 


A  "  Flat  Failure:'        129 

ill — a  fact  which  I  could  have  sworn 
to  if  necessary,  though  for  a  sick 
man  my  activity  was  quite  remark 
able.  The  Little  Woman  was  act 
ive,  too,  while  the  Precious  Ones 
displayed  a  degree  of  enterprise 
and  talent  for  getting  directly  in 
my  chosen,  path,  which  was  unusal 
even  for  them. 

We  were  installed  at  last,  how 
ever,  and  the  jolly  janitor  had  given 
us  a  lift  now  and  then  which  com 
pletely  won  our  hearts  and  more 
than  made  up  for  some  minor  short 
comings  which  we  discovered  here 
and  there  as  the  days  passed,  We 
named  our  new  home  the  "  Sun 
shine  "  apartment  and  assured  each 
other  that  we  were  very  well  pleased, 
and  when  one  morning  as  I  set  out 
for  the  office  I  noticed  that  the  lower 
halls  and  stairway  had  suddenly 
taken  on  an  air  of  spruce  tidiness 
— had  been  magically  transformed 


13°       The  Van  Dwellers. 

over  night,  as  it  were — I  was  so 
elated  that  I  returned  to  point  these 
things  out  to  the  Little  Woman. 
She  came  down  to  the  door  with 
me  and  agreed  that  it  was  quite 
wonderful,  and  added  the  final  touch 
to  our  satisfaction.  She  added  that 
it  looked  almost  as  if  Thomas  had 
been  at  work  there.  I  went  away 
altogether  happy. 

Owing  to  the  accumulation  of 
work  at  the  office  it  was  rather  lat 
er  than  usual  when  I  returned 
that  evening.  As  I  entered  I  ob 
served  on  the  face  of  the  Little 
Woman  a  peculiar  look  which  did 
not  seem  altogether  due  to  the  de 
layed  dinner.  The  Precious  Ones 
also  regarded  me  strangely,  and 
I  grew  vaguely  uneasy  without 
knowing  why.  It  was  our  elder 
hope  who  first  addressed  me. 

"  Oh,  pop!  you  can't  guess  who's 
here !  " 


A  "  Flat"   Failure.       131 

"  No,"  chimed  in  the  echo,  "  you 
never  could !  Guess,  papa ;  just 
guess !  " 

As  for  the  Little  Woman,  she 
leaned  back  in  her  chair  and  began 
laughing  hysterically.  This  was 
alarming.  I  knew  it  could  not  be 
her  brother  who  had  just  sailed  for 
Japan,  and  I  glanced  about  nervous 
ly,  having  in  mind  a  composite  vis 
ion  of  my  Aunt  Jane,  who  had  once 
invaded  our  home  with  disastrous 
results,  and  an  old  college  chum, 
who  only  visited  me  when  in  finan 
cial  distress. 

"  Wh— where  are— they  ?  "  I  half 
whispered,  regarding  anxiously  the 
portieres. 

"  Here — up-stairs,  down-stairs, 
everywhere !  "  gasped  the  Little 
Woman,  while  the  Precious  Ones 
continued  to  insist  that  I  guess  and 
keep  on  guessing  without  rest  or 
sustenance  till  the  crack  of  doom. 


132       The   Van  Dwellers. 

Then  suddenly  I  grew  quite 
stern. 

"Tell  me,"  I  commanded,  "  what 
is  the  matter  with  you  people,  and 
stop  this  nonsense !  Who  is  it 
that's  here  ?  " 

The  Little  Woman  became  calm 
for  a  brief  instant,  and  emitted  a 
single  word.  "  Thomas  !  " 

I  sank  weakly  into  a  chair. 
"  Thomas?" 

"  Yes,  Thomas  !  Thomas  !  " 
shrieked  the  Precious  Ones,  and 
then  they,  too,  went  off  into  a  fit  of 
ridiculous  mirth,  while  recalling 
now  the  sudden  transfiguration  of 
the  halls  I  knew  they  had  spoken 
truly.  The  Little  Woman  was 
wiping  her  eyes. 

"  And  Mr.  Griffin,  too,"  she  said, 
calmly,  as  if  that  was  quite  a  mat 
ter  of  course. 

"  And  Mr.  Griffin,  too  !  " 
chorused  the  Precious  Ones, 


A  "Flat"   Failure.      133 

"Mr.   Griffin?" 

"Why,  yes,"  said  the  Little 
Woman.  "  He  bought  this  house 
yesterday,  and  put  Thomas  over 
here  in  charge.  He  will  occupy 
the  top  floor  himself." 

"  Oh !  " 

"  And  you  never  saw  anybody  so 
glad  of  anything  as  Thomas  was  to 
see  us  here.  It  was  the  first  time 
I  ever  saw  him  laugh  !  " 

"Oh,  he  laughed,  did  he?" 

"  Yes  ;  and  he  gave  us  each  some 
candy  !  '  chanted  the  Precious 
Ones.  "  He  said  it  was  like  meet 
ing  home  folks." 

"Oh,  he  did?" 

"  Mine  was  chocolate,"  declared 
our  elder  joy. 

'  Mine  was  marshmallows  !  >; 
piped  the  echo. 

"  Little  Woman,"  I  said,  "  our 
dinner  is  getting  cold  ;  suppose  we 
eat  it." 


134       T/ie  Van  Dwellers. 


XL 

Inheritance  and  Mania. 

AND  now  came  one  of  these  epi 
sodes  which  sometimes  dis 
turb  the  sequestered  quiet  of 
even  the  best  regulated  and  most 
conventional  of  households.  We 
were  notified  one  day  that  my  Aunt 
Jane,  whom  I  believe  I  have  once 
before  mentioned  having  properly 
arranged  her  affairs  had  passed 
serenely  out  of  life  at  an  age  and 
in  a  manner  that  left  nothing  to 
be  desired. 

I  was  sorry,  of  course, — as  sorry 
as  it  was  possible  to  be,  considering 
the  fact  that  she  had  left  me  a  Sum 
which  though  not  large  was  ab 
surdly  welcome.  I  did  not  sleep 


Inheritance  and  Mania.      135 

very  well  until  it  came,  fearing 
there  might  be  some  hitch  in 
administrating  the  will,  but  there 
was  no  hitch  (my  Aunt  Jane,  heaven 
rest  her  spirit,  had  been  too  thor 
oughly  business  for  that)  and  the 
Sum  came  along  in  due  season. 

We  would  keep  this  Sum,  we 
decided,  as  a  sinking  fund ;  some 
thing  to  have  in  the  savings  bank, 
to  be  added  to,  from  time  to  time,  as 
a  provision  for  the  future  and  our 
Precious  Ones.  This  seemed  a 
good  idea  at  the  time,  and  it  seems 
so  yet,  for  that  matter.  I  have 
never  been  able  to  discover  that 
there  is  anything  wrong  with  hav 
ing  money  in  a  good  savings  bank. 

I  put  the  Sum  in  a  good  savings 
bank,  and  we  were  briefly  satisfied 
with  our  prudence.  It  gave  us  a 
sort  of  safe  feeling  to  know  that  it 
was  there,  to  be  had  almost  in 
stantly,  in  case  of  need. 


I  3  6       The   Van  Dwellers. 

It  was  this  latter  knowledge 
that  destroyed  us.  When  the 
novelty  of  feeling  safe  had  worn 
off  we  began  to  need  the  Sum. 
Casually  at  first,  coming  as  a  mere 
suggestion,  in  fact,  from  one  or 
the  other  of  us,  of  what  we  could 
buy  with  it.  It  is  wonderful  how 
many  things  we  were  constantly 
seeing  that  the  Sum  would  pay  for. 

Our  furniture,  for  instance,  had 
grown  old  without  becoming  an 
tique,  and  was  costly  only  when 
you  reckon  what  we  had  paid  for 
moving  it.  We  had  gradually  ac 
quired  a  taste  (or  it  may  have  been 
only  the  need  of  a  taste)  for  the 
real  thing.  Whatever  it  was  it 
seemed  expensive — too  expensive 
to  be  gratified  heretofore,  but  now 
that  we  had  the  Sum 

The  shops  along  Fourth  Avenue 
were  literally  bulging  with  things 
that  we  coveted  and  that  the  Sum 


Inheritance  and  Mania.      137 

would  pay  for.  I  looked  at  them 
wistfully  in  passing,  still  passing 
strong  in  my  resolution  to  let  the 
Sum  lie  untouched.  Then  I  began 
to  linger  and  go  in,  and  to  imagine 
that  I  knew  a  good  piece  and  a  bar 
gain  when  I  saw  it.  This  last  may 
be  set  down  as  a  fatal  symptom.  It 
led  me  into  vile  second-hand  stores 
in  the  hope  of  finding  some  hitherto 
undiscovered  treasure.  In  these  I 
hauled  over  the  wretched  jetsam  of 
a  thousand  cheap  apartments  and 
came  out  dusty  and  contaminated 
but  not  discouraged. 

I  suggested  to  the  Little  Woman 
one  day  that  it  would  be  in  the 
nature  of  an  investment  to  buy 
now,  in  something  old  and  good, 
the  desk  I  had  needed  so  long.  I 
assured  her  that  antiques  were  be 
coming  scarcer  each  year,  and  that 
pieces  bought  to-day  were  quite  as 
good  as  money  in  the  savings  bank, 


138       The   Van  Dwellers. 

besides  having  the  use  of  them. 
The  Little  Woman  agreed  readily. 
For  a  long  time  she  had  wanted  me 
to  have  a  desk,  and  my  argument 
in  favor  of  an  antique  piece  seemed 
sound. 

I  did  not  immediately  find  a  desk 
that  suited  me.  There  were  a 
great  many  of  them,  and  most  of 
them  seemed  sufficiently  antique, 
but  being  still  somewhat  modern 
in  my  ideas  I  did  not  altogether 
agree  with  their  internal  arrange 
ments,  while  such  as  did  appeal 
would  have  made  too  large  an  in 
cursion  into  the  Sum.  What  I  did 
find  at  length  was  a  table — a  ma 
hogany  veneered  table  which  the 
dealer  said  was  of  a  period  before 
the  war.  I  could  readily  believe  it. 
If  he  had  said  that  it  had  been 
through  the  war  I  could  have  be 
lieved  that,  too.  It  looked  it.  But 
I  saw  in  it  possibilities,  and  re- 


Inheritance  and  Mania.     139 

fleeted  that  it  would  give  me  an 
opportunity  to  develop  a  certain 
mechanical  turn  which  had  lain 
dormant  hitherto.  The  Little 
Woman  had  been  generous  in  the 
matter  of  the  desk.  I  would  buy 
the  table  for  the  Little  Woman. 

She  was  pleased,  of  course,  but 
seemed  to  me  she  regarded  it  a 
trifle  doubtfully  when  it  came  in. 
Still,  the  price  had  not  been  great, 
and  it  was  astonishing  to  see  how 
much  better  it  looked  when  I  was 
through  with  it,  and  it  was  in  a 
dim  corner,  with  its  more  unfortu 
nate  portions  next  the  wall.  In 
deed,  it  had  about  it  quite  an  air 
of  genuine  respectability,  and  made 
the  rest  of  our  things  seem  poor 
and  trifling.  It  was  the  beginning 
of  the  end. 

Some  Colonial  chairs  came  next. 

The  Little  Woman  and  I  dis 
covered  their  battered  skeletons 


140       The   Van  Dwellers. 

one  day  as  we  were  hurrying  to 
catch  a  car.  They  were  piled  in 
front  of  a  place  that  under  ordi- 
nary  conditions  we  would  have 
shunned  as  a  pest-house.  Still  the 
chairs  were  really  beautiful  and  it 
was  a  genuine  u  find  " !  I  did  not 
restore  these  myself — they  needed 
too  much.  I  had  them  delivered 
to  a  cabinet-maker  who  in  turn  de 
livered  them  to  us  in  a  condition 
that  made  the  rest  of  our  belong 
ings  look  even  shabbier,  and  at  a 
cost  that  made  another  incursion 
into  the  Sum. 

I  renovated  and  upholstered  the 
next  lot  of  chairs  myself,  and  was 
proud  of  the  result,  though  the 
work  was  attended  by  certain  un 
pleasant  features,  and  required 
time.  On  the  whole,  I  concluded 
to  let  the  cabinet-maker  undertake 
the  heavy  lounge  that  carne  next, 
and  was  in  pieces,  as  if  a  cyclone 


Inheritance  and  Mania.     141 

had  struck  it  somewhere  back  in 
the  forties  and  it  had  been  lying  in 
a  heap,  ever  since.  It  was  won 
derful  what  he  did  with  it.  It 
came  to  us  a  thing  of  beauty  and  an 
everlasting  joy,  and  his  bill  made 
a  definite  perforation  in  the  Sum. 

We  did  not  mind  so  much  now. 
It  was  merely  altering  the  form  of 
our  investment,  we  said,  and  we 
had  determined  to  become  respect 
able  at  any  cost.  The  fact  that 
we  had  been  offered  more  for  the 
restored  lounge  than  it  cost  us  re 
assured  us  in  our  position.  Most 
of  our  old  traps  we  huddled  to 
gether  one  day,  and  disposed  of 
them  to  a  second-hand  man  for  al 
most  enough  to  pay  for  one  decent 
piece — a  chiffonier  this  time — and 
voted  a  good  riddance  to  bad  rub 
bish. 

Reflecting  upon  this  now,  it 
seems  to  me  we  were  a  bit  hasty 


142       The  Van  Dwellers. 

and  unkind.  Poor  though  they 
were,  the  old  things  had  served  us 
well  and  gone  with  us  through  the 
ups  and  downs  of  many  apartments. 
In  some  of  them  we  had  rocked  the 
Precious  Ones,  and  on  most  of 
them  the  precious  Ones  had  tried 
the  strength  and  resistance  of  their 
toys.  They  were  racked  and  bat 
tered,  it  is  true  and  not  always  to 
be  trusted  as  to  stability,  but  we 
knew  them  and  their  shortcomings, 
and  they  knew  us  and  ours.  We 
knew  just  how  to  get  them,  up  wind 
ing  stairs  and  through  narrow 
doors.  They  knew  about  the 
length  of  time  between  each  migra 
tion,  and  just  about  what  to  expect 
with  each  stage  of  our  Progress. 
They  must  have  long  foreseen  the 
end.  Let  us  hope  they  will  one 
day  become  "  antiques  "  and  fall 
into  fonder  and  more  faithful 
hands. 


Inheritance  and  Mania.     143 

But  again  I  am  digressing — it 
is  my  usual  fault.  We  invested 
presently  in  a  Chippendale  side 
board,  and  a  tall  clock  which  gave 
me  no  peace  night  or  day  until  I 
heard  its  mellow  tick  and  strike 
in  our  own  dim  little  hall.  The 
aperture  in  the  Sum  was  now  plain 
ly  visible,  and  by  the  time  we  had 
added  the  desk,  which  I  had  felt 
unable  to  afford  at  the  start,  and  a 
chair  to  match,  it  had  become  an 
orifice  that  widened  to  a  gap,  with 
the  still  further  addition  of  a  small 
but  not  inexpensive  Chippendale 
cabinet  and  something  to  put 
within  it. 

The  Little  Woman  called  a  halt 
now.  She  said  she  thought  we 
had  enough  invested  in  this  par 
ticular  direction,  that  it  was  not 
wise  to  put  all  one's  eggs  into  one 
basket.  Besides,  we  had  all  the 
things  our  place  would  hold  com- 


144       ^e  Van  -Dwellers. 

fortably :  rather  more,  in  fact,  ex 
cept  in  the  matter  of  rugs.  The 
floors  of  the  Sunshine  apartment 
were  hard  finished  and  shellacked. 
Such  rugs  as  we  had  were  rare 
only  as  to  numbers,  and  we  were 
no  longer  proud  of  them.  I  quite 
agreed  with  the  Little  Woman  on 
the  question  of  furniture,  but  I 
said  that  now  we  had  such  good 
things  in  that  line,  I  would  invest 
in  one  really  good  rug. 

I  did.  I  drifted  one  day  into 
an  Armenian  place  on  Broadway 
into  which  the  looms  of  the  Orient 
had  poured  a  lavish  store.  Small 
black-haired  men  issued  from 
among  the  heaped-up  wares  like 
mice  in  a  granary.  I  was  sur 
rounded — I  was  beseeched  and  en 
treated — I  was  made  to  sit  down 
while  piece  after  piece  of  antiquity 
and  art  were  unrolled  at  my  feet. 
At  each  unrolling  the  tallest  of 


Inheritance  and  Mania.     145 

the  black  men  would  spread  his 
hands  and  look  at  me. 

"  A  painting,  a  painting,  a 
masterpiece.  I  never  have  such 
fine  piece  since  I  begin  busi 
ness  ;  "  and  each  of  the  other  small 
black  men  would  spread  their 
hands  and  look  at  ine  and  murmur 
low,  reverent  exclamations. 

I  did  not  buy  the  first  time. 
You  must  know  that  even  when 
one  has  become  inured  to  the 
tariff  on  antique  furniture,  and 
has  still  the  remains  of  a  Sum  to 
draw  upon,  there  is  something 
about  the  prices  of  oriental  rugs 
that  is  discouraging  when  one  has 
ever  given  the  matter  much  pre 
vious  thought. 

But  the  memory  of  those  un 
rolled  masterpieces  haunted  me. 
There  was  something  fascinating 
and  Eastern  and  fine  about  sitting 
in  state  as  it  were,  and  having  the 


146       The  Van  Dwellers. 

treasures  of  the  Orient  spread 
before  you  by  those  little  dark 
men. 

So  I  went  again,  and  this  time  I 
made  the  first  downward  step.  It 
was  a  Cashmere — a  thick,  mellow 
antique  piece  with  a  purple  bloom 
pervading  it,  and  a  narrow  faded 
strip  at  one  end  that  betokened 
exposure  and  age.  The  Little 
Woman  gasped  when  she  saw  it, 
and  the  Precious  Ones  approved  it 
in  chorus.  It  took  me  more  than 
a  week  to  confess  the  full  price. 
It  had  to  be  done  by  stages  ;  for  of 
course  the  Little  Woman  had  not 
sat  as  I  had  sat  and  had  the  "  paint 
ings  of  the  Bast "  unrolled  at  her 
feet  and  thus  grown  accustomed  to 
magnificence.  To  tell  her  all  at 
once  that  our  one  new  possession 
had  cost  about  five  times  as 
much  as  all  the  rest  of  our  rugs 
put  together  would  have  been  an 


Inheritance  and  Mania.     147 

unnecessary  rashness  on  my  part. 
As  it  was,  she  came  to  it  by  degrees, 
and  by  degrees  also  she  realized 
that  our  other  floor  coverings  were 
poor,  base,  and  spurious. 

Still  I  was  prudent  in  my  next 
selections.  I  bought  two  smaller 
pieces,  a  Kazak  strip,  and  a  Beloo- 
chistan  mat.  This  was  really  all  we 
needed,  but  a  few  days  later  a  small 
piece  of  antique  Bokhara  over 
powered  me,  and  I  fell.  I  said  it 
would  be  nice  on  the  wall,  and  the 
Little  Woman  confessed  that  it 
was,  but  again  insisted  that  we 
would  better  stop  now.  She  little 
realized  my  condition.  The  small 
dark  men  in  their  dim-lit  Broadway 
cave  had  woven  a  spell  about  me 
that  made  the  seductions  of  antique 
furniture  as  a  forgotten  tale. 

I  bought  a  book  on  rug  collect 
ing,  and  I  could  not  pass  their 
treasure-house  without  turning  in. 


148       The   Van  Dwellers. 

They  had  learned  to  know  me 
from  afar,  and  the  sound  of  my 
step  was  the  signal  for  a  horde  of 
them  to  come  tumbling  out  from 
among  the  rugs. 

It  was  the  old  story  of  Eastern 
magic.  The  spell  of  the  Orient 
was  upon  me,  and  in  the  language 
of  my  friends  I  went  plunging 
down  the  ragged  path  to  ruin.  I 
added  an  Anatolian  to  my  collec 
tions — a  small  one  that  I  could  slip 
into  the  house  without  the  Little 
Woman  seeing  it  until  it  was 
placed  and  in  position  to  help  me 
in  my  defense.  It  was  the  same 
with  a  Bergama  and  a  Coula,  but 
by  this  time  the  Precious  Oner; 
would  come  tearing  out  into  the 
hall  when  I  came  home  and  then 
rush  back,  calling  as  they  ran  : 
"  Oh,  mamma,  he's  got  one  and 
he's  holding  it  behind  him  !  He's 
got  another  rug,  mamma !  " 


Inheritance  and  Mania.     149 

So  when  I  got  the  big  Khiva  I 
felt  that  some  new  tactics  must  be 
adopted.  In  the  first  place,  it 
would  take  two  strong  men  to  carry 
it,  and  in  the  next  place  it  would 
cover  the  parlor  floor  completely, 
and  meant  the  transferring  to 
the  walls  of  several  former  pur 
chases. 

Further  than  this,  its  addition 
would  make  the  hole  in  the  Sum 
big  enough  to  drive  a  wagon 
through — a  band-wagon  at  that 
with  a  whole  circus  procession 
behind  it.  Indeed,  the  remains  of 
the  Sum  would  be  merely  frag 
mentary,  so  to  speak,  and  only  the 
glad  Christinas  season  could  make 
it  possible  for  me  to  confess  and 
justify  to  the  Little  Woman  the 
fulness  of  the  situation. 

Luckily,  Christmas  was  not  far 
distant.  The  dark  men  agreed  to 
hold  the  big  Khiva  until  the  day 


15°       The   Van  Dwellers. 

before,  aud  then  deliver  it  to  the 
janitor.  With  the  janitor's  help  I 
could  get  it  up  and  into  the  apart 
ment  after  the  Little  Woman  had 
gone  to  bed.  I  could  spread  it 
down  at  my  leisure  and  decorate 
the  walls  with  some  of  those  now 
on  the  floor.  When  on  the  glad 
Christmas  morning  this  would 
burst  upon  the  Little  Woman  in 
sudden  splendor,  I  felt  that  she 
would  not  be  too  severe  in  her 
judgment. 

It  was  a  good  plan,  and  it  worked 
as  well  as  most  plans  do.  There 
were  some  hitches,  of  course.  The 
Little  Woman,  for  instance,  was 
not  yet  in  bed  when  the  janitor  was 
ready  to  help  me,  and  I  was  in  mor 
tal  terror  lest  she  should  hear  us 
getting  the  big  roll  into  the  hall 
way,  or  corning  out  later  should 
stumble  over  it  in  the  dark.  But 
she  did  not  seem  to  hear,  and  she 


Inheritance  and  Mania.      151 

did  not  venture  out  into  the  hall. 
Neither  did  she  seem  to  notice  any 
thing  unusual  when  by  and  by 
I  stumbled  over  it  myself  and 
plunged  through  a  large  pasteboard 
box  in  which  there  was  something 
else  for  the  Little  Woman — some 
thing  likely  to  make  her  still  more 
lenient  in  the  matter  of  the  rug. 
I  made  enough  noise  to  arouse  the 
people  in  the  next  flat,  but  the 
Little  Woman  can  be  very  discreet 
on  Christmas  eve. 

She  slept  well  the  next  morning, 
too, — a  morning  I  shall  long  re 
member.  If  you  have  never  at 
tempted  to  lay  a  ten-by-twelve 
Khiva  rug  in  a  small  flat-parlor, 
under  couches  and  tables  and 
things,  and  with  an  extra  supply 
of  steam  going,  you  do  not  under 
stand  what  one  can  undergo  for 
the  sake  of  art.  It's  a  fairly  in 
teresting  job  for  three  people — two 


152       The   Van  Dwellers. 

to  lift  the  furniture  and  one  to 
spread  the  rug,  and  even  then  it 
isn't  easy  to  find  a  place  to  stand 
on.  It  was  about  four  o'clock  I 
think  when  I  began,  and  the  mem 
ory  of  the  next  three  hours  is 
weird,  and  lacking  in  Christmas 
spirit.  I  know  now  just  how  every 
piece  of  furniture  we  possess  looks 
from  the  under  side.  I  suppose 
this  isn't  a  bad  sort  of  knowledge 
to  have,  but  I  would  rather  not 
acquire  it  while  I  am  pulling  the 
wrinkles  out  of  a  two-hundred- 
pound  rug.  But  when  the  Little 
Woman  looked  at  the  result  and  at 
me  she  was  even  more  kind  than 
I  had  expected.  She  did  not  de- 
nounce  me.  She  couldn't.  Look 
ing  me  over  carefully  she  realized 
dimly  what  the  effort  had  cost,  and 
pitied  me.  It  was  a  happy  Christ 
mas,  altogether,  and  in  the  after 
noon,  looking  at  our  possessions, 


Inheritance  and  Mania.      153 

the  Little  Woman  remarked  that 
we  needed  a  house  now  to  display 
them  properly.  It  was  a  chance 
remark  but  it  bore  fruit. 


1 54      The  Van  Dwellers. 


XII. 

Gilded  Affluence. 

YET  not  immediately.  We  had 
still  to  make  tlie  final  step  of 
our  Progress  in  apartment 
life,  and  to  acquire  other  valuable 
experience.  It  happened  in  this 
wise. 

Of  the  Sum  there  still  remained 
a  fragment — unimportant  and  frag 
ile,  it  would  seem — but  quite  suf 
ficient,  as  it  proved,  to  make  our 
lives  reasonably  exciting  for  sev 
eral  months. 

A  friend  on  the  Stock  Exchange 
whispered  to  me  one  morning  that 
there  was  to  be  a  big  jump  in 
Calfskin  Common — something  phe 
nomenal,  he  said,  and  that  a  hun- 


Gilded  Affluence.          155 

dred  shares  would  pay  a  profit 
directly  that  would  resemble  money 
picked  up  in  the  highway. 

I  had  never  dealt  in  stocks,  or 
discovered  any  currency  in  the 
public  thoroughfares,  but  my  re 
cent  inheritance  of  the  Sum  and  its 
benefits  had  developed  a  taste  in 
the  right  direction.  Calfskin  Com 
mon  was  low  then,  almost  as  low 
as  it  has  been  since,  and  an  option 
on  a  hundred  shares  could  be 
secured  with  a  ridiculously  small 
amount — even  the  fragment  of  the 
Sum  would  be  sufficient. 

I  mentioned  the  matter  that 
night  to  the  Little  Woman.  We 
agreed  almost  instantly  that  there 
was  no  reason  why  we  should  not 
make  something  on  Calfskin  Com 
mon,  though  I  could  see  that  the 
Little  Woman  did  not  know  what 
Calfskin  Common  was.  I  have 
hinted  before  that  she  was  not  then 


1 5  6       The  Van  Dwellers. 

conversant  with  the  life  and  lingo 
of  the  Stock  Exchange,  and  on  the 
whole  my  advantage  in  this  direc 
tion  was  less  than  it  seemed  at  the 
time.  I  think  we  both  imagined 
that  Calfskin  Common  had  some 
thing  to  do  with  a  low  grade  of 
hides,  and  the  Little  Woman  said 
she  supposed  there  must  be  a  pros 
pective  demand  from  some  foreign 
country  that  would  advance  the 
price  of  cheap  shoes.  Of  course  it 
would  be  nice  to  have  our  invest 
ments  profitable,  but  on  the  whole 
perhaps  I'd  better  lay  in  an  extra 
pair  or  so  of  everyday  footwear  for 
the  Precious  Ones. 

I  acquired  some  information 
along  with  my  option  on  the  stock 
next  day,  so  that  both  the  Little 
Woman  and  myself  could  converse 
quite  technically  by  bed-time.  We 
knew  that  we  had  "  put  up  a  ten 
per  cent,  margin  "  and  had  an  "  op- 


Gilded  Affluence.         157 

tion  "  at  twelve  dollars  a  share  on 
a  hundred  shares  of  the  common 
stock  in  leather  corporation — said 
stock  being  certain  to  go  to  fifty 
and  perhaps  a  hundred  dollars  a 
share  within  the  next  sixty  days. 
The  fragment  of  the  Sum  and  a 
trifle  more  had  been  exchanged  for 
the  Stock,  and  we  were  "  in  on  a 
deal."  Then  too  we  had  a  "  stop- 
loss  "  on  the  Stock  so  that  we  were 
safe,  whatever  happened. 

The  Little  Woman  didn't  under 
stand  the  "  stop-loss  "  at  first,  and 
when  I  explained  to  her  that  it 
worked  automatically,  as  it  were, 
she  became  even  more  mystified.  I 
gathered  from  her  remarks  that 
she  thought  it  meant  something 
like  an  automatic  water  shut-off 
such  as  we  had  in  the  bath-room  to 
prevent  waste.  Of  course,  that  was 
altogether  wrong,  and  I  knew  it  at 
the  time,  but  it  did  not  seem  worth 


158       The   Van  Dwellers. 

while  to  explain  in  detail.  I 
merely  said  that  it  was  something 
we  could  keep  setting  higher  as 
the  stock  advanced,  so  that  in  event 
of  a  downward  tnrn  we  would  save 
our  original  sum,  with  the  accrued 
profits. 

Then  we  talked  about  what  we 
would  do  with  the  money.  We 
said  that  now  we  had  such  a  lot  of 
good  things  and  were  going  to 
make  money  out  of  the  Stock  we 
ought  to  try  one  really  high-class 
apartment — something  with  an  ele 
vator,  and  an  air  of  refinement  and 
gentility.  It  would  cost  a  good 
deal, of  course,  but  the  surroundings 
would  be  so  much  more  congenial, 
so  much  better  for  the  Precious 
Ones,  and  now  that  I  was  really 
doing  fairly  well,  and  that  we  had 
the  Stock — still  we  would  be  pru 
dent  and  not  move  hastily. 

We  allowed  the  Stock  to  advance 


Gilded  Affluence.         159 

five  points  before  we  really  began  to 
look  for  a  place.  Five  points  ad 
vance  meant  five  hundred  dollars' 
profit  on  our  investment,  and  my 
friend  on  the  exchange  laughed 
and  congratulated  me  and  said  it 
was  only  the  beginning.  So  we 
put  up  the  stop-loss,  almost  as  far 
as  it  would  go,  and  began  to  look 
about  for  a  place  that  was  quite 
suitable  for  people  with  refined 
taste,  some  very  good  things  in  the 
way  of  rugs  and  furniture,  and  a 
Stock. 

We  were  not  proud  as  yet.  We 
merely  felt  prosperous  and  were 
willing  to  let  fortune  smile  on  us 
amid  the  proper  surroundings.  We 
said  it  was  easy  enough  to  make 
money,  now  that  we  knew  how, 
and  that  it  was  no  wonder  there 
were  so  many  rich  people  in  the 
metropolis.  We  had  fought  the 
hard  fight,  and  were  willing  now  to 


160       The  Van  Dwellers. 

take  it  somewhat  easier.  We  se 
lected  an  apartment  with  these 
things  in  view. 

It  was  some  difficulty  to  find  a 
place  that  suited  both  us  and  the 
Precious  Ones.  Not  that  they  were 
hard  to  please — they  welcomed 
anything  in  the  nature  of  change 
— but  at  most  of  the  fine  places 
children  were  rigorously  barred,  a 
rule,  it  seemed  to  us,  that  might  re 
sult  in  rather  trying  complications 
between  landlord  and  tenant  in  the ' 
course  of  time  and  nature,  though 
we  did  not  pursue  investigations  in 
this  line.  We  found  lodgment  and 
welcome  at  length  in  the  Apollo,  a 
newly  constructed  apartment  of  the 
latest  pattern  and  in  what  seemed  a 
most  desirable  neighborhood. 

The  Apollo  was  really  a  very 
imposing  and  towering  affair,  with 
onyx  and  gilded  halls.  The  ele 
vator  that  fairly  shot  us  skyward 


Gilded  Affluence.          161 

when  we  ascended  to  our  eerie  nest 
ten  stories  above  the  street,  and  was 
a  boundless  joy  to  the  Precious 
Ones,  who  would  gladly  have  made 
their  playhouse  in  the  gaudy  little 
car  with  the  brown  boy  in  blue  and 
brass.  Our  fine  belongings  looked 
grand  in  the  new  suite,  and  our 
rugs  on  the  inlaid  and  polished  floor 
were  luxurious  and  elegant.  Com 
pared  with  this,  much  of  our  past 
seemed  squalid  and  a  period  to  be 
forgotten.  Ann,  who  was  still 
with  us,  put  on  a  white  cap  and 
apron  at  meal-times,  and  to  answer 
the  bell,  though  the  cap  had  a 
habit  of  getting  over  one  ear,  while 
the  apron  remained  white  with 
difficulty. 

The  janitor  of  the  Apollo  was 
quite  as  imposing  as  the  house  it 
self, — a  fallen  nobleman,  in  fact, 
though  by  no  means  fallen  so  far 
as  most  of  those  whose  possibilities 


1 62       The   Van  Dwellers. 

of  decline  had  been  immeasurably 
less.  He  was  stately  and  uplifting 
in  his  demeanor.  So  much  so 
that  I  found  n^self  unconsciously 
imitating  his  high-born  manner 
and  mode  of  speech.  I  had  a  feel 
ing  that  he  was  altogether  more 
at  home  in  the  place  than  we  were, 
but  I  hoped  this  would  pass. 
Whatever  the  cost,  we  were  deter 
mined  to  live  up  to  the  Apollo  and 
its  titled  Charge  cT  Affaires. 

And  now  came  exciting  days. 
The  Stock  continued  to  advance, 
as  our  friend  had  prophesied. 
Some  days  it  went  up  one  point, 
some  days  two.  Every  point  meant 
a  hundred  dollars'  clear  profit.  One 
day  it  advanced  five  full  points. 
We  only  counted  full  points. 
Fractional  advances  we  threw  into 
the  next  day's  good  measure,  and 
Set  the  stop-loss  higher,  and  yet 
ever  higher. 


Gilded  Affluence.          163 

We  acquired  credit  with  our 
selves.  We  began  to  think  that 
perhaps  after  all  we  hadn't  taken 
quite  so  good  an  apartment  as  we 
deserved.  What  was  a  matter  of  a  « 
thousand  dollars  more  or  less  on 
a  year's  rent  when  the  Stock  was 
yielding  a  profit  of  a  hundred  or 
two  dollars  a  day.  We  repeated 
that  it  was  easy  enough  now  to 
understand  how  New  Yorkers  got 
rich,  and  could  afford  the  luxuries 
heretofore  regarded  by  us  with  a 
wonderment  that  was  akin  to  awe. 
I  began  to  have  a  vague  notion  of 
abandoning  other  pursuits  and  go 
ing  into  stocks,  altogether.  We 
even  talked  of  owning  our  own 
home  on  Fifth  Avenue.  Still  we 
were  quite  prudent,  as  was  our 
custom.  I  did  not  go  definitely 
into  stocks,  and  we  remained 
with  the  fallen  nobleman  in  the 
Apollo.  Neither  did  we  actually 


164       The  Van  Dwellers. 

negotiate  for  Fifth  Avenue  prop 
erty. 

The  Little  Woman  bought  many 
papers  during  the  day.  In  some 
of  them  early  stock  quotations  were 
printed  in  red,  so  it  might  be  truly 
said  that  these  were  red-letter  days 
for  the  Little  Woman.  When  she 
heard  "  Extra  !  "  being  shouted  in 
the  street  far  below  she  could  not 
dispossess  herself  of  the  idea  that  it 
had  been  issued  to  announce  a 
sensational  advance  of  the  Stock. 
Even  as  late  as  ten  o'clock  one  night 
she  insisted  on  my  going  down  for 
one,  though  I  explained  that  the 
Stock  Bxchange  had  closed  some 
seven  hours  before.  The  Precious 
Ones  fairly  kept  the  elevator  busy 
during  the  afternoon,  going  for 
extras,  and  when  the  final  Wall 
Street  edition  was  secured  they 
would  come  shouting  in, 

"  Here  it  is.     Look  at  the  Stock, 


Gilded  Affluence.          165 

quick,  Mamma,  and  see  how  much, 
we've  made  to-day  !  " 

Truly  this  was  a  gilded  age ; 
though  I  confess  that  it  did  not 
seem  quite  real,  and  looking  back 
now  the  memory  of  it  seems  less 
pleasant  than  that  of  some  of  the 
very  hard  epochs  that  had  gone 
before.  Still,  it  occupies  a  place 
all  its  own  and  is  not  without 
value  in  life's  completed  scheme. 

The  Stock  did  not  go  to  fifty.  It 
limped  before  it  got  to  forty,  and 
we  began  to  be  harassed  by  paltry 
fractional  advances,  with  even  an 
occasional  fractional  decline.  We 
did  not  approve  of  this.  It  was 
annoying  to  look  in  the  Wall 
Street  edition  and  find  that  we  had 
made  only  twelve  dollars  and  a 
half,  instead  of  a  hundred  or  two, 
as  had  been  the  case  in  the  begin 
ning.  We  even  thought  of  sell 
ing  Calfskin  Common  and  buying 


1 66       The  Van  Dwellers. 

a  stock  that  would  not  act  that 
way ;  but  my  friend  of  the  exchange 
advised  against  it.  He  said  this 
was  merely  a  temporary  thing, 
and  that  fifty  and  a  hundred  would 
come  along  in  good  time.  He 
adjusted  the  stop-loss  for  us  so  that 
there  was  no  danger  of  the  Stock 
being  sold  on  a  temporary  decline, 
and  we  sat  down  to  wait  and  watch 
the  papers  while  the  Stock  gathered 
strength  for  a  new  upward  rush 
that  was  sure  to  come,  and  would 
place  us  in  a  position  to  gratify  a 
good  many  of  the  ambitions  lately 
formed. 

A  feverish  and  nerve-destroying 
ten  days  followed.  The  Stock  had 
become  to  us  as  a  personal  Presence 
that  we  watched  as  it  stumbled  and 
struggled  and  panted,  and  dug  its 
common  Calfskin  toes  into  things 
in  a  frantic  effort  to  scale  the 
market.  I  know  now  that  the  men 


Gilded  Affluence.          167 

who  had  organized  the  deal  were 
boasting  and  shouting,  and  beating 
the  air  in  their  wild  encouragement, 
while  those  who  opposed  it  were 
hammering,  and  throttling  and 
flinging  mud,  in  as  wild  an  effort  to 
check  and  demoralize  and  destroy. 
At  the  time,  however,  we  caught 
only  the  echo  of  these  things,  and 
believed  as  did  our  friend  on  the  ex 
change,  that  a  great  capitalist  was 
in  control  of  Calfskin  Common  and 
would  send  it  to  par. 

Only  we  wished  he  would  send 
it  faster.  We  did  not  like  to  fool 
along  this  way,  an  eighth  up  and 
an  eighth,  or  a  quarter  down,  and 
all  uncertainty  and  tension.  Be 
sides,  we  needed  our  accruing 
profits  to  meet  our  heavily  in 
creased  expenses  which  were  by  no 
means  easy  to  dispose  of  with  our 
normal  income,  improved  though 
it  was  with  time  and  tireless  effort. 


1 68       The  Van  Dwellers. 

Indeed,  most  of  the  eighths  and 
quarters  presently  seemed  to  be  in 
the  wrong  direction.  It  was  no 
fun  to  lose  even  twelve  dollars  and 
a  half  a  day  and  keep  it  up.  The 
Presence  in  the  household  was  in 
delicate  health.  It  needed  to  be 
coddled  and  pampered,  and  the 
strain  of  it  told  on  us.  The 
Little  Woman  developed  an  anx 
ious  look,  and  grew  nervous  and 
feverish  at  the  clamor  of  an 
"  extra."  Sometimes  I  heard  her 
talking  "  plus"  and  "  minus"  and 
"  points  "  in  her  sleep  and  knew 
that  she  had  taken  the  Stock  to  bed 
with  her. 

The  memory  of  our  old  quiet 
life  in  the  Sunshine  and  Monte 
Christo  began  to  grow  in  sweet 
ness  beside  this  sordid  and  gilded 
existence  in  the  Apollo.  The 
massive  portals  and  towering 
masonry  which  at  first  had  been  as 


Gilded  Affluence.         169 

a  solid  foundation  for  genuine  re 
spectability  began  to  seem  gloomy 
rind  overpowering,  and  lacking  in 
the  true  home  spirit  we  had  found 
elsewhere.  The  smartly  dressed 
and  mannered  people  who  rode  up 
and  down  with  us  on  the  elevator 
did  not  seem  quite  genuine,  and 
their  complexions  were  not  always 
real.  It  may  have  been  the  condi 
tion  of  the  Stock  that  disheartened 
us  and  made  their  lives  as  well  as 
ours  seem  artificial.  I  don't  know. 
I  only  know  that  I  began  to  have 
a  dim  feeling  that  we  would  have 
been  happier  if  we  had  been  sat 
isfied  with  our  oriental  rugs  and 
antique  furniture,  and  the  remnant 
of  the  Sum,  without  the  acquaint 
ance  of  the  Stock  and  the  fallen 
nobleman  below  stairs.  But,  as 
I  have  said,  all  things  have  their 
place  and  value,  I  suppose,  and 
our  regrets,  if  they  were  that,  have 


1 70       The   Van  Dwellers. 

long  since  been  dissipated,  with 
the  things  that  made  them  pos 
sible. 

Quickly,  as  they  had  come,  they 
passed  and  were  not.  I  was  work 
ing  busily  one  morning  in  my  south 
front  study  when  the  Little  Woman 
entered  hurriedly.  It  was  late 
April  and  our  windows  were  open, 
but  being  much  engaged  I  had  not 
noticed  the  cries  of  "extra!  "  that 
floated  up  from  the  street  below.  It 
was  these  that  had  brought  the 
Little  Woman,  however,  and  she 
leaned  out  to  look  and  listen. 

"  They  are  calling  out  something 
about  stocks  and  Wall  Street,"  she 
said,  "I  am  sure  of  it.  Go  down 
and  see,  quick !  Calfskin  Common 
must  have  gone  to  a  hundred!  " 

"  Oh,  pshaw!"  I  laughed,  "it's 
only  the  assassination  of  a  king,  or 
something.  You're  excited  and 
don't  hear  right." 


Gilded  Affluence.          171 

Still,  I  did  go  down,  and  I  fumed 
at  the  elevator-boy  for  being  so 
slow  to  answer,  though  I  suppose  he 
was  prompt  enough.  The  "extra" 
callers  had  passed  by  the  time  I 
got  to  the  street,  but  I  chased 
and  caught  them.  Then  I  ran 
all  the  way  back  to  the  Apollo, 
and  plunged  into  the  elevator  that 
was  just  starting  heavenward. 

I  suppose  I  looked  pretty  white 
when  I  rushed  in  where  the  Little 
Woman  was  waiting.  But  the 
type  that  told  the  dreadful  tale  was 
red  enough,  in  all  conscience. 
There  it  was,  in  daubed  vermilion, 
for  the  whole  world  and  the  Little 
Woman  to  see. 

"  PANIC  ON  WALL  STREET. 

'  Break  in  Leather  stocks  causes 
general  decline.  Calfskin  Com 
mon  falls  twenty  points  in  ten  min- 


172       The   Van  Dwellers. 

utes.     Three  failures  and  more  to 
come ! " 

Following  this  was  a  brief  list  of 
the  most  sensational  drops  and  the 
names  of  the  failing  firms.  For 
a  moment  we  stared  at  each  other, 
speechless.  Then  the  Little 
Woman  recovered  voice. 

"  Oh,"  she  gasped,  "  we've  caused 
a  panic !  " 

"  No,"  I  panted,  "  but  we're  in 
one !  " 

"And  we'll  lose  everything! 
People  always  do  in  panics,  don't 
they?" 

I  nodded  gloomily. 

"  A  good  many  do.  That  is, 
unless " 

"  But  the  stop-loss  !  "  she  remem 
bered  joyfully,  "  we've  got  a  stop- 
loss  !  " 

"  That's  so  !  "  I  assented,  "  the 
stop-loss !  Our  stock  is  already 


Gilded  Affluence.          173 

sold — that  is — if — the  stop-loss 
worked." 

"  But  you  know  you  said  it 
worked  automatically." 

"  So  it  does — automatically,  if — 
if  it  holds !  It  must  have  worked  ! 
I'll  telephone  at  once,  and  see." 

There  was  a  telephone  in  the 
Apollo  and  I  hurried  to  it.  Five 
women  and  three  men  were  waiting 
ahead  of  me,  and  every  one  tried  to 
telephone  about  stocks.  Some  got 
replies  and  became  hysterical.  One 
elderly  woman  with  a  juvenile 
make-up  and  a  great  many  rings 
fainted  and  was  borne  away  uncon 
scious.  A  good  many  got  nothing 
whatever. 

I  was  one  of  the  latter.  The 
line  to  my  brokers  was  busy.  It 
was  busy  all  that  day,  during  which 
we  bought  extras  and  suffered.  By 
nightfall  we  would  have  rejoiced 
to  know  that  even  the  original  frag- 


i/4       The   Van  Dwellers. 

ment  of  the  Sum  had  been  saved  out 
of  the  general  wreck  of  things 
on  the  Street. 

It  was.  Bven  a  little  more,  for 
the  stop-loss  that  had  failed  to  hold 
against  the  first  sudden  and  over 
whelming  pressure,  had  caught 
somewhere  about  twenty,  and  our 
brokers  next  morning  advised  us 
of  the  sale. 

It  was  a  quiet  breakfast  that  we 
had.  We  were  rather  mixed  as  to 
our  feelings,  but  I  know  now  that  a 
sense  of  relief  was  what  we  felt 
most.  It  was  all  over — the  tension 
of  anxious  days,  and  the  restless 
nights.  Many  had  been  ruined 
utterly.  We  had  saved  something 
out  of  the  wreck — enough  to  pay 
the  difference  in  our  rent.  Then, 
too,  we  were  alive  and  well,  and  we 
had  our  Precious  Ones.  Also  our 
furniture,  which  was  both  satis 
factory  and  paid  for.  Through. 


Gilded  Affluence.          175 

the  open  windows  the  sweet  spring 
air  was  blowing  in,  bringing  a 
breath  and  memory  of  country 
lanes.  Bven  before  breakfast  was 
over  I  reminded  the  Little  woman 
of  what  she  had  once  said  about  need 
ing  a  home  of  our  own,  now  that  we 
had  things  to  put  in  it.  I  said 
that  the  memory  of  our  one  brief 
suburban  experience  was  like  a 
dream  of  sunlit  and  perfumed  fields. 
That  we  had  run  the  whole  gamut 
of  apartment  life  and  the  Apollo 
had  been  the  post-graduate  course. 
In  some  ways  it  was  better  than 
the  others,  and  if  we  chose  to  pinch 
and  economize  in  other  ways,  as 
many  did,  we  still  might  manage 
to  pay  for  its  luxury,  but  after  all 
it  was  not,  and  never  had  been  a 
home  to  me,  while  the  ground  and 
the  Precious  Ones  were  too  far 
apart  for  health. 

And  the  Little  Woman,  God  bless 


176        The  Van  "Dwellers. 

her,  agreed  instantly  and  heartily, 
and  declared  that  we  would  go. 
Onyx  and  gilded  elegance  she  said 
were  obtained  at  too  great  a  price 
for  people  with  simple  tastes  and 
moderate  incomes.  As  for  stocks, 
we  agreed  that  they  were  alto 
gether  in  keeping  with  our  present 
surroundings — with  the  onyx  and 
the  gilt — with  the  fallen  noble 
man  below  stairs  and  those  who 
were  fallen  and  not  noble,  the  arti 
ficial  aristocrats,  who  rode  up  and 
down  with  us  on  the  elevator.  We 
had  had  quite  enough  of  it  all. 
We  had  taken  our  apartment  for 
a  year,  but  as  the  place  was  al- 
, ready  full,  with  tenants  waiting, 
'there  would  be  no  trouble  to  sublet 
to  some  one  of  the  many  who  are 
ever  willing  to  spend  most  of  their 
income  in  rent  and  live  the  best 
way  they  can.  Peace  be  with 
them.  They  are  welcome  to  do  so, 


Gilded  Affluence.          177 

but  for  people  like  ourselves  the 
Apollo  was  not  built,  and  Vanitas 
Vanitatum  is  written  upon  its 
walls. 


178       The   Van  Dwellers. 


XIII. 

A  Home  at  Last. 

WE  began  reading  advertise 
ments  at  once  and  took 
jaunts  to  "  see  property." 
The  various  investment  compa 
nies  supplied  free  transportation 
on  these  occasions.  It  was  a 
pleasant  variation  from  the  old 
days  of  flat  hunting.  The  Precious 
Ones,  who  remembered  with  joy  our 
former  brief  suburban  experiment, 
appreciated  it,  and  raced  shouting 
through  rows  of  new  "  instalment 
houses  "  with  nice  lawns,  all  within 
the  commutation  limits.  We  set 
tled  on  one,  at  last,  through  an 
agency  which  the  trolley-man  re 
ferred  to  as  the  "  Reality  Trust." 


A  Home  at  Last.         179 

The  cash-payment  was  small  and 
the  instalments,  if  long  contin 
ued,  were  at  least  not  discourag 
ing  as  to  size.  We  had  a  nice 
wide  lawn  with  green  grass,  a 
big,  dry  cellar  with  a  furnace,  a 
high,  light  garret,  and  eight  beauti 
ful  light  rooms,  all  our  own.  At 
the  back  there  were  clothes-poles 
and  room  for  a  garden.  In  front 
there  was  a  long  porch  with  a  place 
for  a  hammock.  There  was  room 
in  the  yard  for  the  Precious  Ones 
to  romp,  as  well  as  space  to  spread 
out  our  rugs.  We  closed  the  bar 
gain  at  once,  and  engaged  a  mov 
ing  man.  Our  Flat  days  were 
over. 

And  now  fortune  seemed  all  at 
once  to  smile.  The  day  of  our 
last  move  was  perfect.  The  mov 
ing  man  came  exactly  on  time 
and  delivered  our  possessions  at 
the  new  home  on  the  moment  of 


i  8  o       The  Van  Dwellers. 

our  arrival  there.  The  Little 
Woman  superintended  matters  in 
side,  while  I  spread  out  my  rugs 
on  the  grass  in  the  sun  and  shook 
them  and  swept  them  and  scolded 
the  Precious  Ones,  who  were  in 
clined  to  sit  on  the  one  I  was  han 
dling,  to  my  heart's  content. 
Within  an  hour  the  butcher,  the 
baker,  and  the  merry  milk-maker 
had  called  and  established  rela 
tions.  By  night-fall  we  were  fairly 
settled — our  furniture,  so  crowded 
in  a  little  city  apartment,  airily 
scattered  through  our  eight  big, 
beautiful  rooms,  and  our  rugs,  all 
fresh  and  clean,  reaching  as  far  as 
they  would  go,  suggesting  new  ad 
ditions  to  our  collection  whenever 
the  spell  of  the  dark-faced  Arme 
nians  in  their  dim  oriental  Broad 
way  recess  should  assert  itself  dur 
ing  the  years  to  come. 

Sweet    spring    days     followed. 


OUR   GARDEN    FLOURISHED. 


A  Home  at  Last.        181 

We  fairly  reveled  in  seed 
catalogues,  and  our  garden  flour 
ished.  Our  neighbors,  instead 
of  borrowing  our  loose  property, 
as  we  had  been  led  to  expect  by 
the  comic  papers,  literally  over 
whelmed  us  with  garden  tools  and 
good  advice.  We  needed  both, 
certainly,  and  were  duly  thankful. 
As  for  the  Precious  Ones,  they 
grew  fat  and  brown,  refused  to 
wear  hats  and  shoes  when  summer 
came,  and  it  required  some  argu 
ment  to  convince  them  that  even 
a  fragmentary  amount  of  clothes 
was  necessary.  All  day  now  they 
run,  and  shout,  and  fall  down  and 
cry,  and  get  up  again  and  laugh, 
sit  in  the  hammock  and  swing  their 
disreputable  dolls,  and  eat  and  quar 
rel  and  make  up  and  have  a  beauti 
ful  time.  At  night  they  sleep  in  a 
big  airy  room  where  screens  let  the 
breeze  in  and  keep  out  the  few 


1 8  2       The  Van  Dwellers. 

friendly  mosquitoes  that  are  a  part 
of  all  suburban  life.  We  are  com 
muters,  and  we  are  glad  of  it,  let 
the  comic  papers  say  what  they 
will.  The  fellows  who  write  those 
things  are  bitten  with  something 
worse  than  mosquitoes,  z*.  <?.,  envy 
— I  know,  because  I  have  written 
some  of  them  myself,  in  the  old 
days.  Perhaps  it  is  hard  to  get  to 
and  from  the  train  sometimes  — 
perhaps  the  snow  may  blow  into  the 
garret  and  the  lawn  be  hard  to  mow 
on  a  hot  day.  But  the  joy  of  the 
healthy  Precious  Ones  and  of  com 
ing  out  of  the  smelly,  clattering  city 
at  the  end  of  a  hot  summer  day  to  a 
cool,  sweet  quiet,  more  than  makes 
up  for  all  the  rest ;  while  as  one  falls 
asleep,  in  a  restful  room  that  lets 
the  breeze  in  from  three  different 
directions,  the  memories  of  flat- 
life,  flat-hunting,  and  janitors — of 
sweltering,  disordered  nights,  of 


Gilded  Affluence.         183 

crashing  cobble  and  clanging 
trolleys,  of  evil-smelling  halls  and 
stairways,  of  these  and  of  every 
other  phase  of  the  yardless,  con 
stricted  apartment  existence,  blend 
into  a  sigh  of  relief  that  is  lost  in 
dreamless,  refreshing  suburban 
sleep. 


184       The   Van  Dwellers. 


XIV. 

Closing  Remarks. 

TO  those  who  of  necessity  are 
still    living   in   city  apart 
ments,    and    especially    to 
those  who  are  contemplating   flat 
life  I  would  in  all  seriousness  say 
a  few  closing  words. 

It  requires  education  to  get  the 
best  out  of  flat  life.  Not  such 
education  as  is  acquired  at  Harvard, 
or  Vassar,  or  even  at  the  Industrial 
or  Cooking  schools,  but  education 
in  the  greater  school  of  Humanity. 
In  fact,  flat  living  may  be  said  to 
amount  almost  to  a  profession. 
The  choice  of  an  apartment  is  an 
art  in  itself,  and,  as  no  apartment 


Closing  Remarks.        185 

is  without  drawbacks,  the  most 
vital  should  be  considered  as  all- 
important,  and  an  agreeable  will 
ingness  to  put  up  with  the  minor 
shortcomings  of  equal  value.  Sun 
light,  rental,  locality,  accessibility, 
janitor-service,  size,  and  conven 
ience  are  all  important,  and  aboiit 
in  the  order  named.  A  dark  apart 
ment  means  doctor's  bills,  and  by 
dark  I  mean  any  apartment  into 
which  the  broad  sun  does  not  shine 
at  least  a  portion  of  the  day.  Sun 
light  is  the  great  microbe-killer, 
and  as  moss  grows  on  the  north 
side  of  a  tree,  so  do  minute  poison 
fungi  grow  in  the  dim  apartment. 
As  to  locality,  a  clean  street,  as  far 
as  possible  from  the  business  cen 
ter  is  to  be  preferred,  and  away 
from  the  crash  of  the  elevated  rail 
way.  People  are  killed,  morally 
and  physically,  by  noise.  For 
this  reason  an  apartment  several 


1 8  6       The   Van  Dwellers. 

flights  up  is  desirable,  though  the 
top  floor  is  said  by  physicians  to 
be  somewhat  less  healthy  than  the 
one  just  below. 

It  is  hard  to  instruct  the  novice  in 
these  matters.  He  must  learn  by 
experience.  But  there  is  one  word 
that  contains  so  much  of  the  secret 
of  successful  apartment  life  that  I 
must  not  omit  it  here.  That  word 
is  Charity.  I  do  not  mean  by  this 
the  giving  of  money  or  old  clothes 
to  those  who  slip  in  whenever  the 
hall  door  is  left  unlocked.  I 
mean  that  larger  Charity  which 
comes  of  a  wider  understanding 
of  the  natures  and  conditions  of 
men. 

You  cannot  expect,  for  instance, 
that  a  man  or  a  woman,  who  serves 
for  rent  only,  and  wretched  base 
ment  rent  at  that,  or  for  a  few 
dollars  monthly  additional  at  most, 
can  be  a  very  intelligent,  capable 


Closing  Remarks.        187 

person,  of  serene  temper  and  with 
qualities  that  one  would  most  de 
sire  in  the  ideal  janitor.  In  the 
ordinary  New  York  flat  house 
janitors  are  engaged  on  terms  that 
attract  only  people  who  can  find  no 
other  means  of  obtaining  shelter 
and  support.  Those  who  would 
fulfill  your  idea  of  what  a  janitor 
should  do  have  been  engaged  for 
the  more  expensive  apartments,  or 
they  have  gone  into  other  profes 
sions.  The  flat-house  janitor's 
work  is  laborious,  unclean,  and 
never  ending.  It  is  not  conducive 
to  a  neat  appearance  or  a  joyous 
disposition.  If  your  janitor  is  only 
fairly  prompt  in  the  matter  of  garb 
age  and  ashes,  and  even  approxi 
mately  liberal  as  to  heat  and  hot 
water,  be  glad  to  say  a  kind  word  to 
him  now  and  then  without  expect 
ing  that  he  will  be  humble  or  even 
obliging.  If  you  hear  him  knock- 


1 8  8       The  Van  Dwellers. 

ing  things  about  and  condemning 
childhood  in  a  general  way,  re 
member  that  your  children  aretw/j/ 
children,  like  all  the  rest,  and  that 
a  great  many  children  under  one 
roof  can  stretch  even  a  strong,  wise 
person's  endurance  to  the  snapping 
point. 

Then  there  are  the  neighbors. 
Because  the  woman  across  the 
hall  is  boiling  onions  and  cabbage 
to-day,  do  not  forget  that  your  cab 
bage  and  onion  day  will  come  on 
Wednesday,  and  she  will  probably 
enjoy  it  just  as  little  as  you  are 
appreciating  her  efforts  now.  And 
because  the  children  overhead  run 
up  and  down  and  sound  like  a  herd 
of  buffaloes,  don't  imagine  that 
your  own  Precious  Ones  are  any 
more  fairy-footed  to  the  people  who 
live  just  below.  It's  all  in  the 
day's  endurance,  and  the  wider 
your  understanding  and  the  greater 


Closing  Remarks.        189 

your  charity,  the  more  patiently 
you  will  live  and  let  live.  It  was 
an  old  saying  that  no  two  families 
could  live  under  one  roof ;  but  in 
flat  life  ten  and  sometimes  twenty 
families  must  live  under  one  roof, 
and  while  you  do  not  need  to  know 
them  all,  or  perhaps  any  of  them, 
you  will  find  that  they  do,  in  some 
measure,  become  a  part  of  your 
lives,  and  that  your  own  part  of  the 
whole  is  just  about  what  you  make 
it. 

Also,  there  are  the  servant  girls. 
We  cannot  hope  that  a  highly  ef 
ficient,  intelligent  young  girl  will 
perform  menial  labor  some  sixteen 
hours  a  day  for  a  few  dollars  a 
week  and  board,  with  the  privilege 
of  eating  off  the  tubs  and  sleeping 
in  a  five-by-seven  closet  off  the 
kitchen,  when  she  can  obtain  a  clerk 
ship  in  one  of  the  department  stores 
where  she  has  light,  clean  employ- 


19°       The  Van  Dwellers. 

ment,  shorter  hours,  and  sees  some 
thing  of  the  passing  show  ;  or  when, 
by  attending  night  school  for  a  short 
time,  she  can  learn  stenography 
and  command  even  better  salary  for 
still  shorter  hours.  It  requires  quite 
as  much  intelligence  to  be  a  capable 
house  servant  as  to  be  a  good  clerk  ; 
and  as  for  education,  there  is  no 
lack  of  that  in  these  days,  what 
ever  the  rank  of  life.  Bven  when 
a  girl  prefers  household  service,  if 
she  be  bright  and  capable  it  is  but 
a  question  of  time  when  she  will 
find  employment  with  those  to 
whom  the  question  of  wages  is 
considered  as  secondary  to  that  of 
the  quality  of  service  obtained  in 
return. 

So  you  see  we  must  not  expect 
too  much  of  our  "  girl  for  general 
housework,"  unless  we  are  pre 
pared  to  pay  her  for  her  longer 
hours  and  harder  work  something 


Closing  Remarks. 


approximating  the  sum  we  pay  to 
the  other  girl  who  comes  down  in 
a  sailor  hat  and  pretty  shirt  \vaist 
at  nine  or  ten  to  take  a  few  letters 
and  typewrite  them,  and  read  a 
nice  new  novel  between  times  until 
say  five  o'clock,  and  who  gets  four 
weeks'  vacation  in  hot  weather,  and 
five  if  she  asks  for  it  prettily,  with 
no  discontinuance  of  salary.  All 
this  may  be  different,  some  day, 
but  while  we  are  waiting,  let  us 
not  forget  that  there  are  many 
things  in  the  world  that  it  would 
be  well  to  remember,  and  that  "  the 
greatest  of  these"  and  the  one  that 
embraces  all  the  rest,  "  is  Charity  /  " 


LORDS  °TFHE  NORTH 

By  A.    C.    LAUT 
A  STRONG   HISTORICAL   NOVEL 


T  ORDS  OF  THE  NORTH  is  a  thrilling  romance 
J  ^  dealing  with  the  rivalries  and  intrigues  of  The  Ancient 
and  Honorable  Hudson's  Bay  and  the  North-West 
Companies  for  the  supremacy  of  the  fur  trade  in  the 
Great  North.  It  is  a  story  of  life  in  the  open  ;  of 
pioneers  and  trappers.  The  life  of  the  fur  traders  in 
Canada  is  graphically  depicted.  The  struggles  of  the  Selkirk 
settlers  and  the  intrigues  which  made  the  life  of  the  two  great 
fur  trading  companies  so  full  of  romantic  interest,  are  here 
laid  bare.  Francis  Parkman  and  other  historians  have 
written  of  the  discovery  and  colonization  of  this  part  of  our 
great  North  American  continent,  but  no  novel  has  appeared 
so  full  of  life  and  vivid  interest  as  Lords  of  the  North. 
Much  valuable  information  has  been  obtained  from  old  docu 
ments  and  the  records  of  the  rival  companies  which  wielded 
unlimited  power  over  a  vast  extent  of  our  country.  The 
style  is  admirable,  and  the  descriptions  of  an  untamed  conti 
nent,  of  vast  forest  wastes,  rivers,  lakes  and  prairies,  will 
place  this  book  among  the  foremost  historical  novels  of  the 
present  day.  The  struggles  of  the  English  for  supremacy, 
the  capturing  of  frontier  posts  and  forts,  and  the  life  of  trader 
and  trapper  are  pictured  with  a  master's  hand.  Besides 
being  vastly  interesting,  Lords  of  the  North  is  a  book  of  his- 
torical  value. 


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an 


Jl     LOVE  Illustrated,  Cloth,  8vo 

STORY  $i.so 

By  NELSON   LLOYD 

Jtuthor  of  "The  Chronic  Loafer" 

.A.  critic  in  reviewing  THI  CHRONIC  LOAFER  said: 

"Pennsylvania  fiction  has  never  been  listed  as  a  standard  stock  but 
Mr.  Lloyd  has  only  to  continue  to  write  and  Pennsylvania  will  be  lifted  j 
I  venture  to  add,  into  the  list  of  preferred  securities.  '  ' 

"A.  Drone  and  a  Dreamer"  is  a  lich  fulfillment  of  this 
prophecy.  Brimming  over  with  genial  humor  and  wholesome  fun,  the 
book  is  an  exquisite  love  story  and  charming  idyl  of  life  among  the  moun 
tains  and  valleys  of  the  Keystone  State. 

DROCH  in  LIFE  : 

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for  local  fiction  is  Pennsylvania.  It  is  old,  and  vast  and  picturesque. 
Bayard  Taylor  and  Weir  Mitchell  have  given  the  Philadelphia  end  of  the 
State  some  importance  in  fiction.  John  Luther  Long  has  written  several 
effective  tales  in  the  Dutch  dialect,  and  the  Moravians  of  Bethlehem  have 
inspired  a  novel  or  two.  These  writers,  however,  have  hardly  scratched 
around  the  corners  of  the  great  state.  Mr.  Lloyd  does  not  try  to  palm  off 
a  weak  imitation  of  a  Miss  Wilkins  Yankee  as  a  rustic  Pennsylvania!!. 
His  humor  comes  spontaneously  from  the  soil." 


BUTTER  : 

"  Mr.  Lloyd  is  an  excellent  workman.  He  makes  us  see  the  quiet  of 
the  hills  and  the  allurements  of  the  trout-stream,  yet  he  refrains  as  scrupu 
lously  as  Mr.  Howells  himself  from  obtruding  his  own  personality.  His 
characters  themselves  apparently  produce  the  effects  due  to  his  skill.  His 
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PARLOUS  TIMES 

DAVID  DWIGHT  WELLS 
A      Novel      of      Modern      Diplomacy 

BY   THE   AUTHOR    OF 

"Her  Ladyship's  Elephant." 


Parlous  Times  is  a  society  novel  of  to-day. 
The  scene  is  laid  in  London  in  diplomatic 
circles.  The  romance  was  suggested  by  experi 
ences  of  the  author  while  Second  Secretary  of 
the  United  States  Embassy  at  the  Court  of  St. 
James.  It  is  a  charming  love  story,  with  a 
theme  both  fresh  and  attractive.  The  plot  is 
strong,  and  the  action  of  the  book  goes  with  a 
rush.  Political  conspiracy  and  the  secrets  of 
an  old  tower  of  a  castle  in  Sussex  play  an  im 
portant  part  in  the  novel.  The  story  is  a 
bright  comedy,  full  of  humor,  flashes  of  keen 
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reader's  attention  from  beginning  to  end. 
Altogether  it  is  a  good  story  exceedingly  well 
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cessful  novel. 

Cloth,  8vo,  $I.5O 

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THE 
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Ne-w  "A  new   American  humorist.      The   stories  have  the  point  and  dry 

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Cal.  "Will  bring  a  smile  when  it  is  read  a  second  or  third  time." 

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blues." 

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"Great  natural  humor  and  charm.      In  this  story  alone-  Mr.  Lloyd 
'    is  deserving  of  rank  up-front  among  the  American  humorists." 

Portland    Transcript 


M« 


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NOVELS,   POEMS    AND    LIFE 

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*•>,'"  -4 


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(\PR091990 

SEP  0  6  19!  " 


APR  1 9  JMS 


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A     000110640     0 


